There are years when I forget but this time I recall. You would have been eighty-eight this year had you lived. But you died short of your seventy-first birthday and that was about a month before I married. You would really enjoy and love your grandsons I think.

It gets harder with each passing year, of course, to remember you and those times from long ago. I essentially left home after high school though still spent my first two summers at college back at home. When I moved to Florida after graduation I didn’t stay in contact as I think now that I should have, perhaps in a way that would have made you a bit happier and your life a bit better. But, as is always the usual excuse, I had things to do.

So much I learned from you and so much of it stays with me today, is always a part of me no matter where I go or what I do in what remains of life to me. I also learned some things, just a few perhaps, that I did not want to do, some ways that I did not want to be- to think, to act.

You seemed too often to have a bit of a persecution complex and I have tried mightily to stay away from that though I have mostly failed. I try to keep that to myself though. And while you always got along great with people you did seem to go out of your way to avoid contact at some point. That one plagues me as well. You disappeared into your own restricted world and I find that I tend to do the same though again, I try not to. And, finally, I always thought that with your intellect and artistic talent you could and should have done more with your life. Things that would have made you more happy and satisfied and, dare I say, “successful”. In that vein I feel I have done well and created a somewhat successful life that I am proud of and one that has allowed my kids to have a better starting point than I did. In that last point you and mom did great and gave us a better point from which to start than either of you had- we all had a great education and also graduated from college and where we went and what we did beyond that were our decisions.   For the most part we all did okay.

What has happened with your kids is way beyond your control and was never really your fault. I don’t know why we went our different ways and why only two of us remain in contact but that is where things are at these days and I don’t see it changing. Sad but true.

Sometimes in older age we reflect a bit too positively or negatively I suppose. While this has maybe sounded too negative there is far more positive that I took from you.

Your sense of humor. My love of reading and music. My love of sports and simple things like walking and being outside. From you I believe I received more than an average intellect (fair and equal thanks to mom for that of course) and also a work ethic that will never allow me to do something half-assed. I learned responsibility and respect and I learned all of this without much yelling and almost no physical discipline that I recall on your behalf. My friends and those who knew you, to this very day will say how much they always liked being around you and what a good man you were. There are less lasting legacies in life to have.

These things and others I have tried to pass along and instill in my own kids but I fail too often in the approach. I sure could use some of your gentle command to help me get through some of these times, especially as of late. Perhaps the fact that I was much more on my own at the same age made our interactions much simpler and congenial, I don’t know, but I do know that I too often take a hardline approach in raising my boys and I sure could use some help, your help, from this day onward.

It seems the right thing to do, for me to pass along the best of you while trying to hold back some of the not-so-best and I hope and expect that my kids will attempt to do the same with their own. I can honestly and thankfully say that the best of you far outweighed the not-so-best and I fear sometimes that my kids may one day not feel the same way about me and it is with that and for that reason that I ask your help. I also ask, of course, because of how much I love them and want to give to them the best that I can.

Strange to ask you for a gift on your birthday but it would sure be appreciated and is sorely needed so if you can somehow help… In the meanwhile, Happy Birthday and I miss you and still think of you often. I wish my boys would have gotten to meet you, once upon a time. They would have enjoyed and loved you too.

Another early morning. A cup of coffee and the news. And, of course, the faithful old computer.

I ponder on so many things and I worry on many others. I wonder on what the big plan is and if there even is one.

I look outside this Fall morning and I see darkness and I hope and trust that before long day will bring the light. And along with the light will come new hope for me and my family.

Still, it is dark and I am tired.

My family seems to be mostly all that I have and that is really just fine with me but, still, I must be careful. Some time, not now long enough in the future and likely too soon upon us, our boys will be off and on their own. As it should be, as it has always been, I know. Normal and right but sad nonetheless. I think about all of the time that has passed and all of the things that I did not do with my boys when they were younger. Then I think that, still, we did a lot. I know I never actually did my best but I also know that there were many times that I tried.

I’m wondering how long I have left in this world but I really try not to think about it too often. What I truly think about is how I might still leave a mark upon this world. My own mark upon the world. In some small but significant way leave a trace that I was here. That seems simple and honest enough.

I think about my father and his legacy and realize it was just left, as it was, with his children. Beyond us it dies. I try to pass along what I can to my kids but since they never met him it is unlikely that they will carry much of what he ever was along with them into what they will themselves become. His memory fades with the passing of each person who knew him and that too is sad.

What can I do to leave something more than passing relationships and words to my children in this world?

Don’t get me wrong, my life and its efforts are very much focused upon my kids and I do all that I can to help them, to provide for them, to open up as many opportunities as possible for them to succeed in their own lives, today and tomorrow, but I have always wanted to do more. You know, personally.

Who can ever know or precisely define the rise and fall of a life? Who knows the point at which it tips from the former to the latter? Just how much time is left to me from this still-dark morn until the very moment of my own passing?

We have our problems and there are probably too many times that I may think that life kinda sucks but I can’t afford to be that way. I really can’t. Not for myself and not for my wife and boys. I still believe in how much life has to offer, especially for them.

And, hopefully, still, for me.

It is Thursday of the week that began on a Monday.

It is the 8^th day of the month of May and I have not gotten enough done of what I started out to do last Friday when it was Friday and held the distinction of being the only day to start off the month of May in the year 2014.

Where does the time get off to and why does it not return?

It is early and looks to be a nice day ahead. I got up around 3:30 and am feeling the effects of not enough sleep…again. Too much on my mind I guess.

There is sports excitement in town: the White Sox swept the Cubs in Wrigley; the Hawks are up 2-1 against the Wild in the 2^nd round of the NHL playoffs; and (OMG!!) today is the first day of the NFL draft.

All of that is fine of course but there is much more to be involved and concerned with. Like the world—or at least my family and our position in it.

I feel rather estranged from the world. My wife and I struggle for various reasons and I hope we can get past and move beyond our struggles. My kids are growing up fast but are not growing fast enough to do as well at the sports they like as they would like to do. Though they are good baseball players their present team is providing little opportunity to prove that to others. I have to simply tell them to continue to do their best and hope that time, experience, and a bit more size will help them.

You see, I would like to have them do well in high school. Play a sport or two that they enjoy, have the chance to succeed in it and have a great time doing so. Continue with their music development in concert as well as jazz band. Get a great education without all the left-wing, liberal-leaning, politically-correct, continually apologetic notions that have insidiously and pervasively invaded our school system (hence the plan to send them to private school and avoid some of that perniciousness- it would be a Catholic school though and we know how the Catholics like to shun their beliefs when they enter the voting booth). I would like them to make good friends, some of whom may hopefully last a lifetime; maybe meet and date a nice girl or two or three (no sense rushing into anything fellows!). Join a club or two and really enjoy the experience. Somehow keep the four years from seeming like two when they are done.

In other words, some of the things I had the chance to do and either did or didn’t do. To propel themselves toward whatever comes beyond high school. That is most likely college but who knows what level of indoctrination those previously-fine institutions will have attained by then.

I hope that I can begin to see some success myself on the newer road that I have chosen but I either find myself short of the time needed or too full of the excuses to actually get there. Still, I promise myself I will bear down. Always, bear down!

So, as the sun also rises, I rise to meet and greet this new day. Quite tired mind you but filled with the hope that I am able to muster with the pressure all around.

My kids have another game tonight and a chance to do something there to gain some notice. Just keep working and learning fellows- stay at it and as long as you enjoy it you cannot really fail.

My wife and I have another day to renew ourselves and gain back some more of what we once were when we started out long ago- but not too long ago.

I have the chance to “buckle down” and get stuff done. And sometimes a chance is more than most receive.

So I rise to the challenge of the opportunity to live and succeed; to live and to flourish; to live and be good, be fresh, be counted.

I live to be me and I live for all those who still have some level of affection and interest in what I am and what I still may become.

I live for my family while I can still do things of value for them.

I live. I live while the good Lord still offers to me the chance to do so…

And I should be ever aware of and thankful for the slightest sliver of hope.

Cinqo de Mayo

What do the Latin people celebrate today? I think it is called Cinqo de Mayo.   I believe it is intended to commemorate a battle sometime in the past and it has grown to become a celebration of their heritage.

Wait, now that I think of it this is just a Mexican celebration and doesn’t involve other Spanish-speaking countries (are they called Latin countries or is that not proper? I ask because I was challenged on that recently so…). Regardless, it remains Cinqo de Mayo.

So happy Cinqo de Mayo to everyone, no matter where you come from.

It is Monday and it has been several days since I wrote anything here. Been busy with other things but no really legitimate excuse. My goal is to write every day but every other day would be okay.

I plan to get a lot done this week. There is outdoor work, what with the warming weather and all the havoc caused by the ugly winter we had. There is indoor work as always. There is my main project (and burgeoning company) that needs a lot of attention this week. There are the major indoor projects that have been on the list forever. I have to take the Explorer in for some warranty work this week. There are a lot of youth baseball things going on- Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I have to get the boys out and shopping for Mother’s Day and I have to think about our anniversary and my wife’s birthday (a big one) coming up fast. I have to win my ongoing battles with the birds who continue to attack our windows.

In short, I have a busy week like so many people out there. I hope that it is a good week, a productive week, a week that I can look back at with some level of satisfaction when it is ended.

I haven’t talked much about politics lately but, never fear, I will. I will get back to it as there is a lot of stuff going on and I trust not much has changed in terms of the direction of our country since I last wrote about it. I still worry greatly about the future for us, for our kids.

We had a pretty nice weekend although there was some of the usual family drama- that’s a given. I wish sometimes that my boys might be a bit closer in some regards. It has to be tough to have a twin. If you are both boys or both girls then you likely have some or many of the same friends and that can become an issue of course. We experience a good bit of that friction and it is getting more pronounced and becoming more of a visible issue as these guys move into teenagerland. Nothing new there I suppose, just need to be calm and have a bunch of patience…!

Just got back from dropping the kids off at school. Amazing how the years slip by; seems just a short while ago they were at Joy Community and our lives were a good bit different than they are today. Not necessarily better or worse, but different.

I’m older now. Safe to say we likely all are older.

I hope that the coming week is a good one for all, a good one for us, a great one for us. And I hope that we have many, many years ahead of much of the same goodness, of much of the same greatness.

No matter how I may come across at times, I love life and I love my family and I love the chances I have been given.

I don’t plan to blow it either so please pray for me.

And I will indeed do the same for you my friends.

It’s Sunday morning and it is still chilly out there. The wind is blowing, as is usual, and it seems ready to rain. Not a nice day I’m afraid.

I’m watching “The Natural” on TV and my sons have baseball practice this morning at 9am. It’s going to be a bit lousy out there for them. But that’s baseball!

We have the usual springtime stupid birds on the outside window ledge tapping their hard little beaks against the glass and waking up me and my wife. Stupid birds think that their reflections are either potential mates or potential rivals and therefore threats. They seem fearless and afraid all at the same time.

Threats. We all worry during our lives about threats. In fact it seems that we are far too often dominated by the threat—of threats. And we live our lives therefore with the appropriate fear. First come the threats, then comes the fear. We remain stuck in life dominated by the threat of fear brought upon us by the fear of threats. Or something like that.

How many among us do anything to break out of this cycle? What have you done to overcome your fears or remove the threats from your lives? You should do something you know.

My fears are well known to me. The threats are very clear and many have been removed either by time or even some by me. Maybe it’s just that I am older now and all the other fears and threats begin to fall away. Wiser and more understanding of the fact that a lot of this just doesn’t matter all that much in the end.

I love this movie but I still have a hard time seeing Robert Redford as a great, great ballplayer. Gary Cooper, maybe, but not Robert Redford. Uh oh, Hobbs is beginning to fall into a slump. He’s becoming afraid maybe.

So I have been away for a few days. I need to get back to writing here on a more regular basis like I was doing in the past. Once the day gets away from me it is hard to recover it though I really have no valid excuse.

Excuse me for a moment while I go chase away that stupid bird for like the seventh time.

I’m back. Hobbs is getting close to seeing the Lady in White. What does that symbolize exactly? Maybe it’s an angel, sent to help him overcome his fears and all that ails him. He just blasted a shot that shattered the clock on the scoreboard at Wrigley. What a ballplayer. Looks like he overcame his fear or sidestepped the threat.

Just got the word that practice for my sons has been cancelled. It isn’t nice out there but I think the kids could still have practiced. They all need it. Easy for me to say I suppose as I don’t have to go out and play in the windy cold with possible rain. A baseball sure can hurt in this type of weather. I used to fear that a bit. I suppose that my kids do as well.

Maybe we can go do some indoor practice instead. There are always alternatives to things I suppose. Sometime you just have to think about it or look long enough. Life always has a way of providing a different way if you believe just enough and look hard enough, long enough. Belief and hard work. Rare these days.

Babble on. It’s time for me to go now that I have told you where I have been; sort of.

Life begins to take on a certain calmness and serenity as the threats and fears fall away. I am indeed left with fewer as fades each passing year. The ones that remain mostly involve my family, especially my sons. And then there still remains one from which none of us can ever escape.

But I am not going to worry about that one just now. There is always time later to be afraid.

Been a few days.

Another Easter come and gone. Our rare church service (I’m not big on organized religion but I do think it is good for my kids and wish that we could find a church that we liked that didn’t require 10% of your earnings as a price to save our souls); an absolutely beautiful day; some baseball practice; a nice, simple Easter supper out on the screened porch (first time we have ever done that since building this house); the boys out for a walk with mom; a Bulls opening playoff game on TV (they lost); an episode of Duck Dynasty with the boys; a gorgeous evening faded into a nice night and the end of a long 3-day weekend.

Other things this weekend. Four tournament baseball games. The team won one and lost three. My sons sat the final two and I won’t comment on that. Sometimes in life it is extreme adversity that draws out the very best we have to give. I hope that is the case for my sons. I am here to try to guide and hope to help- in any way that I can. But, in the end, it is what they find inside that will be the ultimate driver to where they wish to go in life.

I wish we had had more time to have the dogs out in the yard. Or taken them for a walk. We have two- they are Goldens as I think I might have mentioned before. Wonderful dogs for us, for the kids, Two females; one 9, one 2.

The younger one is Misty and she is quite the character. So filled, still, with youthful exuberance and playfulness. Everything to her still seems fun and enjoyable. There is no stuffed animal she will not try to unstuff; there is no part of her own tail that she has not molested; there is no ball or Frisbee she will not chase (and usually return); there is no snowball she will not dig to find; every day is a new and exciting adventure for her and we love her dearly, even if she is one of the oddest dogs I have ever known at times. Guess that’s a big part of what makes her so special to us.

The older one is Maizey. We got her when the boys were quite young. The pictures of that little fluffball- one of the best Golden coats I have ever seen or felt. And she still keeps it for the most part except in her face.

She too was quite playful and rambunctious when a pup- not quite like Misty is but still a great dog to play with and take for walks. My sons learned to read while resting their heads on her. She was always such a patient dog; not quite so much anymore.

I always tell my sons that she is “the best dog in the whole wide world”. Sorry Misty.

We still take her up to their rooms each night to say good-night. That and riding in the car in the morning to school are her special things these days. Reserved almost exclusively for her. Misty will have her day and gets to go other places and do other things.

Maizey shakes a lot now and seems to be losing her vision. She seems scared of things and has a harder time moving, especially going up and down the stairs. We have to be careful on the few times she is into fetch as she will sometimes be moving too fast for her own good and hurts herself if she stops too suddenly.

I don’t pet or pat her as vigorously as I once did.

Her face has whitened almost completely and she has gotten old. It seems almost at once.

When I look back at her puppy pictures it is amazing and sad what time can do; what time has always done. Now in her eyes I see age that I have never seen before. Oh, she still has spark but it flickers more as of late.

In her eyes I see the future and it saddens me to see that inevitable day growing closer.

In her eyes I see much of what she was once now going. I see what she once was and I miss my puppy. I see the years of my kids growing up and I see the years of my wife and me growing older too. So much of what we are as a family has been shared with Maizey and a lot of our fun was because of her.

I see the day of my dog going and it brings tears to my eyes. In her eyes I see that inevitable day growing closer. I see so much of what was and what is coming in my dog’s eyes.

I wonder if she has seen the same in mine.