Category Archives: Personal

Where I Been

Personal Reflections & Memories No Comments

 

It’s Sunday morning and it is still chilly out there. The wind is blowing, as is usual, and it seems ready to rain. Not a nice day I’m afraid.

I’m watching “The Natural” on TV and my sons have baseball practice this morning at 9am. It’s going to be a bit lousy out there for them. But that’s baseball!

We have the usual springtime stupid birds on the outside window ledge tapping their hard little beaks against the glass and waking up me and my wife. Stupid birds think that their reflections are either potential mates or potential rivals and therefore threats. They seem fearless and afraid all at the same time.

Threats. We all worry during our lives about threats. In fact it seems that we are far too often dominated by the threat—of threats. And we live our lives therefore with the appropriate fear. First come the threats, then comes the fear. We remain stuck in life dominated by the threat of fear brought upon us by the fear of threats. Or something like that.

How many among us do anything to break out of this cycle? What have you done to overcome your fears or remove the threats from your lives? You should do something you know.

My fears are well known to me. The threats are very clear and many have been removed either by time or even some by me. Maybe it’s just that I am older now and all the other fears and threats begin to fall away. Wiser and more understanding of the fact that a lot of this just doesn’t matter all that much in the end.

I love this movie but I still have a hard time seeing Robert Redford as a great, great ballplayer. Gary Cooper, maybe, but not Robert Redford. Uh oh, Hobbs is beginning to fall into a slump. He’s becoming afraid maybe.

So I have been away for a few days. I need to get back to writing here on a more regular basis like I was doing in the past. Once the day gets away from me it is hard to recover it though I really have no valid excuse.

Excuse me for a moment while I go chase away that stupid bird for like the seventh time.

I’m back. Hobbs is getting close to seeing the Lady in White. What does that symbolize exactly? Maybe it’s an angel, sent to help him overcome his fears and all that ails him. He just blasted a shot that shattered the clock on the scoreboard at Wrigley. What a ballplayer. Looks like he overcame his fear or sidestepped the threat.

Just got the word that practice for my sons has been cancelled. It isn’t nice out there but I think the kids could still have practiced. They all need it. Easy for me to say I suppose as I don’t have to go out and play in the windy cold with possible rain. A baseball sure can hurt in this type of weather. I used to fear that a bit. I suppose that my kids do as well.

Maybe we can go do some indoor practice instead. There are always alternatives to things I suppose. Sometime you just have to think about it or look long enough. Life always has a way of providing a different way if you believe just enough and look hard enough, long enough. Belief and hard work. Rare these days.

Babble on. It’s time for me to go now that I have told you where I have been; sort of.

Life begins to take on a certain calmness and serenity as the threats and fears fall away. I am indeed left with fewer as fades each passing year. The ones that remain mostly involve my family, especially my sons. And then there still remains one from which none of us can ever escape.

But I am not going to worry about that one just now. There is always time later to be afraid.

My Dog Going

Personal Reflections & Memories No Comments

 

Been a few days.

Another Easter come and gone. Our rare church service (I’m not big on organized religion but I do think it is good for my kids and wish that we could find a church that we liked that didn’t require 10% of your earnings as a price to save our souls); an absolutely beautiful day; some baseball practice; a nice, simple Easter supper out on the screened porch (first time we have ever done that since building this house); the boys out for a walk with mom; a Bulls opening playoff game on TV (they lost); an episode of Duck Dynasty with the boys; a gorgeous evening faded into a nice night and the end of a long 3-day weekend.

Other things this weekend. Four tournament baseball games. The team won one and lost three. My sons sat the final two and I won’t comment on that. Sometimes in life it is extreme adversity that draws out the very best we have to give. I hope that is the case for my sons. I am here to try to guide and hope to help- in any way that I can. But, in the end, it is what they find inside that will be the ultimate driver to where they wish to go in life.

I wish we had had more time to have the dogs out in the yard. Or taken them for a walk. We have two- they are Goldens as I think I might have mentioned before. Wonderful dogs for us, for the kids, Two females; one 9, one 2.

The younger one is Misty and she is quite the character. So filled, still, with youthful exuberance and playfulness. Everything to her still seems fun and enjoyable. There is no stuffed animal she will not try to unstuff; there is no part of her own tail that she has not molested; there is no ball or Frisbee she will not chase (and usually return); there is no snowball she will not dig to find; every day is a new and exciting adventure for her and we love her dearly, even if she is one of the oddest dogs I have ever known at times. Guess that’s a big part of what makes her so special to us.

The older one is Maizey. We got her when the boys were quite young. The pictures of that little fluffball- one of the best Golden coats I have ever seen or felt. And she still keeps it for the most part except in her face.

She too was quite playful and rambunctious when a pup- not quite like Misty is but still a great dog to play with and take for walks. My sons learned to read while resting their heads on her. She was always such a patient dog; not quite so much anymore.

I always tell my sons that she is “the best dog in the whole wide world”. Sorry Misty.

We still take her up to their rooms each night to say good-night. That and riding in the car in the morning to school are her special things these days. Reserved almost exclusively for her. Misty will have her day and gets to go other places and do other things.

Maizey shakes a lot now and seems to be losing her vision. She seems scared of things and has a harder time moving, especially going up and down the stairs. We have to be careful on the few times she is into fetch as she will sometimes be moving too fast for her own good and hurts herself if she stops too suddenly.

I don’t pet or pat her as vigorously as I once did.

Her face has whitened almost completely and she has gotten old. It seems almost at once.

When I look back at her puppy pictures it is amazing and sad what time can do; what time has always done. Now in her eyes I see age that I have never seen before. Oh, she still has spark but it flickers more as of late.

In her eyes I see the future and it saddens me to see that inevitable day growing closer.

In her eyes I see much of what she was once now going. I see what she once was and I miss my puppy. I see the years of my kids growing up and I see the years of my wife and me growing older too. So much of what we are as a family has been shared with Maizey and a lot of our fun was because of her.

I see the day of my dog going and it brings tears to my eyes. In her eyes I see that inevitable day growing closer. I see so much of what was and what is coming in my dog’s eyes.

I wonder if she has seen the same in mine.

 

 

Learning Things

Personal No Comments

 

It is now no longer Tuesday.  And something must have happened to Wednesday because from the looks of the calendar on the wall today the day is Thursday.

But how do I know that?

If I knew what day it was then I wouldn’t need to look at the calendar and even if I didn’t know then how would I know what day to look for when looking at the calendar if I didn’t know what day it was in the first place?; or what day yesterday was?; or what day tomorrow will be?

It is so frustratingly confusing and I am so frustratingly confused.  That’s normal I guess.

I see from the computer though that it is the 17th of April and if that is true then I may just have the information I need to be able to use the calendar to determine the day of the week.  Give me a moment please.

Ok, ok.  It is indeed Thursday.  It is the 17th of April.  Tomorrow is Friday.  Yesterday was Wednesday but something still must have happened to it because I sure as hell don’t remember it much if at all.

So now that it is Thursday and I know that what will I do with it?

It is Easter weekend this coming weekend.  I know that from my recent visit to the calendar.  My sons have several baseball games coming up and the weather is improving.

What have I learned in my life and how much have I forgotten?  I don’t know.

I do know that I still like to read and I still like to learn.  My memory fails me from time to time but then I just do something simple like look at the calendar, somehow figure out what day, and perhaps date, it is and it is all then okay.  At least it is better.

I try to instill the desire to learn in my kids and, you know, it seems to work.  They are bright and inquisitive and are doing pretty darn well.  I am proud of them and will continue to help in any and every way I can to make them successful in life.  Still, it is challenging…

But there I learn also.   By the time I finally learn to be the parent I want to be I’m sure my kids will be much, much older.  Probably way too old to listen to me anymore.

Unless I keep on trying and unless I keep on learning.  Maybe that’s the ticket.

You see boys, I have a huge head start on you and I plan to maintain that lead for as long as I can.  I know that you may catch me someday but by making that as challenging as I possibly can I have accomplished two things.

I will have made myself a smarter and better person, I trust.  And I will have done the same for each of you.

Doesn’t that make me a pretty good parent even right now?

Go ahead, you can say it.  The answer is yes and, yes, you are welcome…indeed.

😆

Life Left Living

Personal Reflections & Memories No Comments

 

Strained the old arm playing baseball with the kids this weekend.  Not throwing, as you might suspect, but batting.  Guess I turned the power arm over too hard or too often hitting fungos to the outfield and am now paying the price.  Rather pitiful.

My feet are better but still hurt quite a bit when I walk on hard floors without shoes.  I try to not do that very often but, man, what a drag.

I have trouble sleeping still.  In fact it’s not yet 5:00AM and I have been awake for well over an hour.  I will be very tired by lunchtime and will likely have to take a nap.  Just like grandma used to do.

I noticed the sagging of the skin on my inner wrist, my neck, the back of my arm.  Man, I guess I am getting old.

Am I getting old or just getting older?  Are the best years of my life really behind me or are there more perhaps yet to come?  Have I done all of the significant things in life that I was meant to do or able to do?  How much time do I have left?  Will I fade slowly and sadly or quickly and with barely a whisper in doing so?  Or can I go out a bit better than that?

Hell, I don’t know.  Who does?  I would imagine that a good number of folks spend far too much time worrying about such things.  I have fallen into that trap a few times lately.  Please, no more.

I am trying to re-invent myself.  Like that expression?  I really don’t but it’s early and I am too tired to try to find another.  I simply want to do some of the things that I really enjoy and hopefully have them be able to provide a decent living so that I can to continue to support my family for some time to come.

Sometimes it’s all about just getting started and then, once begun, maintaining some sort of forward progress.  Walk, stumble, walk on.  Walk, fall, rise, walk on.  Always keep walking on.  Keep on truckin’ as we used to say.

Sometimes I feel very old.  And sometimes I don’t.  Playing baseball with my kids I felt young- until I hurt my arm for no apparently good reason and then I suddenly felt old…and weak…and rather useless.

Useless, helpless, hopeless.  Are these the words that describe me?  Are these the words that now define me?

God I hope not.  No, actually I think not.  No, they absolutely will not.

I will do the things that I choose to do.  I have attained a position and place in life where that is just possible and I will not watch the opportunity slide by me.  I simply have to do and no longer just wish or think or dream or hope.  Just do.

And, yes, perhaps there are a few things that I will need to back off of doing or perhaps give up doing altogether.  I guess that is life as it heads toward death.  Sorry if that’s depressing but you can never forever hide from the truth.

There’s life left to live and any life left living is life not yet dead.

So, yeah, I’ll continue to have to give up some things I suppose but don’t worry kids, baseball will definitely not be one of those.  Ever.

They’ll have to roll me up into a tight little ball and knock me out of the park to make that happen.

In fact, in thinking about that as a way to go…what a way to go.

Play Ball!

What Success?

Observations Personal No Comments

MY SUCCESS, YOUR SUCCESS

 

I’ll be archiving the entries for the first quarter of the year now that the 31st has arrived.  This will be the last posting for the first quarter and tomorrow things begin anew.

Nice to divide the year into quarters and months and weeks and days.  It gives us all a chance to start over or start fresh- with our families, with our friends, with our work, with our chores, with our dreams, our hopes, our lives.  Kind of a nice deal.

It’s still early and in a little while I will be getting the kids up to get them ready to go off to school after a ten day break for Spring.  We didn’t do anything very unique or too exciting from a kid’s point of view but we did spend a good bit of family time together.  I know they are not thrilled about going back, though they do like school, but I know that I will appreciate some of the available time it offers me.  Still I will miss the moments we shared.

They start their day off in band.  After that they will go to their classes.  Later today they will go to the allergist and then practice baseball in preparation for their first game tomorrow.  Opening Day!

Lots going on.  Lots more to come by the grace of God.

What will they do with their lives?  What will interest them?  What do they love now that they will no longer love next year and what new things will draw them in?

When I was a kid I didn’t know much, not nearly as much as I think my kids do at the same age.  Not sure why that is but it is.

When I was a kid I wasn’t aware of all of the opportunities and things to do that are out there in life, even at a young age.  No one really ever told me and I certainly did not know.  My kids are aware of as much of this as I was around the time I entered college.  Maybe more.

When I was a kid we did not have the resources to pursue much of anything if it cost money.  So we did what we could with the little we had.  The situation is much different for my kids.  I think that’s good, that’s better, but sometimes I do wonder.

If my kids have all of this knowledge, an early start, and the resources to pursue the opportunities that interest them and the stuff that makes up their dreams then I would think, I would hope, that success for them is farther reaching and is achieved much sooner and much more fully than it ever was for me.

But then there is the burnout factor and the very real chance that they will pursue something that they think they like before they are mentally or physically mature enough and they will then discard it for something else that is a bit simpler, a bit easier to be good at.  The impulse purchase syndrome.

There is also the achievement factor in that some things too easily achieved do not hold the same deep feeling of accomplishment as do the things that take so much more effort, of you, to achieve.  The level of satisfaction of a challenging goal achieved is just not the same and the level of excitement is just not as high.  So I guess that the impetus to just walk away can come more easily, especially for a kid.

What exactly is success and what price should be paid to reach it?  Is it fair that some seem to reach it so much sooner and more easily than others?  Is it fair that some never seem to get there or, worse perhaps, never seem to feel that they ever arrive no matter what they pursue, no matter how hard they might try?

I guess I don’t really know the answer.  I guess I never did.

I don’t know if I was ever really successful until I began to try to help my own children in their pursuit of success.  But for them it is not seen as success.  It is seen as doing something they enjoy and because they enjoy it then doing it more and maybe doing it better.

And when they have finally succeeded I suspect they may not know it either.  I will and I might then also consider it a success for me but I likely won’t.  Or maybe I will.

Success then, I guess, is merely only our own accomplishments as viewed and judged by others and is, therefore, in the end, really out of our hands.

All that we can do is to do what we like or love or want to do.  And then maybe doing it better.

In a free world and especially in this country this is possible and I would dread to live in a world, in a country, where it is not.

Who Took the Dogs Out?

Personal No Comments

Believe in Retrievers

It’s raining out this morning.  I suppose that is better than the massive amounts of snow we received this passing winter so for that I am of course very grateful.  I don’t have to get all bundled up and go outside and shovel rain and that is good.

But I do have to take the dogs out.  Out there.

The kids are on Spring Break and my wife is getting ready for work so they will not be available to take the dogs out when the dogs need taking out.  Dogs can be patient for some things but they need to be taken out after a long night of hard sleeping.  In a moment one of them will begin to let me know that it is time.  The other will be watching, listening, watching…waiting.

If it was the weekend then, well, it would still be up to me to take the dogs out.  I think they like me.  You see, I am usually the first one up and besides no one else in our house seems to be very interested in taking the dogs out early in the morning.  In the snow.  In the cold.  In the rain or in the darkness.

I think that everyone else who could do it see taking the dogs out as a real hassle.  Especially when it is raining.  Like this morning.  And even more so when it is cold, or snowing, or both.  Like most of the last 120 mornings or so.

The dogs see it as a good thing because they won’t get themselves into trouble by having an accident inside the house.  It would be okay if they cleaned up after themselves but they really don’t do that much.  Unless it’s cleaning up some rare remnant of food in each other’s bowls.  They work really hard to leave none in their own. They know how to do that; they actually seem to enjoy it very much.  And I am fine with them doing it as it makes cleaning their bowls a lot easier.

That reminds me of another reason they like to go out in the morning.  Food.

Never, ever, do anything nice or special for a dog unless you plan on doing it again.  And again.  And again.  Do they like to remind you?  Well, it’s more like they never, ever let you forget.  They will stand and wait for something good or fun or special for a very, very long time.  If it’s a treat then they will wait forever.  Be careful on this.

The dog understands that after it finally gets to go out in the morning and take care of the necessary business at hand then it is time to eat.  She knows it and you also know it.

Our dogs will break through a stone wall to go out in the morning because, for them, relieving themselves in the morning really means it is almost time to eat.  It’s an interesting connection.  Maybe they know they have just rid themselves of something they need to replace.

So they go out.  I take them.  Then they eat.  I feed them.  Then they seem to get very tired and want to lie down again and rest.  It is a difficult and tiring life they lead.

In the end it is all done because of love.  Not just love for our dogs but love of the kids and my wife and family.  I never had a dog when I was growing up and I never realized how much a part of the family they can become.  I only have to see my kids playing with them on the floor or in the yard to realize how important and loving these bonds are for the kids and, for sure, for the dogs.  In the end, for all of us; all of the family.

Would they let anyone take them out?  Sure.  Feed them?  Sure.  But would they love anyone else like they love us?  Gosh, I hope not but they are very friendly.

It’s hard to stay mad at a dog, especially a Retriever (in my opinion the best dogs in the history of the world along with Labs), and it’s sure hard to not be a nicer person after you’ve been around them for a while.  They are all about just being happy, having fun, and enjoying life.  But they don’t like to do it alone.  They want to do it with you.

We could all learn a lot from dogs.  And I keep trying and learning and if that means taking them out in the mornings and getting their food ready and, yes, even scooping up the mess they leave in the yard then I am fine with that.  I do it for them and I do it for my family.

Come to think of it, I guess I also do it for myself because I think that in the end it makes me a bit better of a person when I live a few happy, carefree moments.

Just like a dog.

Not the Good Parent Heir

Personal No Comments

 

It’s morning again.

It snowed last night.  Again.

The temperature will remain below freezing again.

I had a not-so-pleasant set of exchanges with my kids.  Again.

Sometimes I wonder if I was cracked up to be a good parent.  My mom died when I was young (11) and my dad worked and was away so much that I pretty much brought myself up with the help of my older sisters.  I always got along fine with my dad- I loved my dad- but ours was not really the most openly warm relationship.  While that is probably not uncommon I did decide to make it somewhat better and different with my own children.

We have been close most of the time (would they agree I wonder?) but there are a few things I do regret.

I played a lot with my kids but did not spend enough time “down on the floor” and just forgetting about the clock with them.  No rules, no expectations, no strict time limits.  I always seemed to be in a hurry to finish as I look back.  Even today, as they have become teenagers, I do not spend time playing video games with them.  While that may be a good thing given the nature of some of the games (we do try to regulate as much as possible) and the time it takes to play (wasted life time in my view but that is my view and not necessarily theirs) it would still be a chance to just hang.  The teenage version of “floor time.”

I always said that the mark of a close friend is one that you can just hang with even when nothing is being said.  Watching a movie; reading a comic book; checking out a basketball game on TV; just hanging.  I know that it is sometimes dangerous to make your kids your friends but still…

I find that I have so very little patience with my kids.  They fight and I react.  We react (I have to include my wife in this as we are a team) and it is often a knee-jerk reaction.  We impulsively react to their impulsive behavior and the hypocrisy of that just drips off the situation.

Siblings bicker and fight.  I know that; we know that.  But it often gets out of hand and rather than smartly shutting it down we manage to help it build to the bursting point.  Speaking for myself I have to admit here that I am as much to blame as either of them.  And it is of course much more so me who should know better.

Maybe I don’t get enough sleep or maybe I am just stressed out or maybe I just waited too long to have kids and I am simply now just a grumpy old man.  No matter the excuse there is no excuse.  I am supposed to know better; I am supposed to be a good example; I am supposed to be looked up to.  I am supposed to be a good parent.

And, too often, I am not.

And, immediately after not being that good parent, I so much to God wish that I could be.  Maybe if I just don’t give up there is still yet time for me…and for them.

God willing.

Life is Passing

Personal No Comments

 

As we now approach the beginning of March we are all looking for an end to this endless winter.  That is the truth and cannot be denied.

As I pass further along in my life I am certainly not looking for an end to anything except maybe some of my many flaws but rather I am looking at a new beginning that I hope will last many, many years.  I’m not dead yet and I really hope that I will not be for some time.  And if I am not to die for some time then I want a new start on what I am doing with what remains of my life.

In case my family ever sees this I do not mean a new start without my family!  You are my life in almost every way as I hope that you realize.  Here I mean the work that I do and the things I may yet still be able to accomplish if I am not dead.   Too darn hard to get much done when you’re dead.

I believe in this country, I love this country as I hope it has become apparent.  I am critical, very critical of where we are today and I believe that I have very good reason to believe that.  I do not believe I am alone in that belief.

I believe in the youth of this country and it disgusts me when I see the bald attempts to program them coming from the liberal progressives and do-nothings: most of Hollywood; a too large part of the music industry; professional sports more and more each year as they are taken over; the video game industry; the mostly worthless politicians; the universities (started long ago) and now the high schools and even the grade schools themselves.  It is disgusting what is allowed to pass and unforgivable what is presented as unassailable fact to these poor kids before they even have a chance to grow up and stand and think for themselves.  It is a function of evil if you ask me.

So I am going to dedicate what does remain of my life toward what I feel needs to happen with our country, our kids, and our future.  Again, I know that I am not alone so I hope that at least some of you will join in and make an effort, make a stand, in a manner that you see fit.

Just some crackpot?  Maybe.  But do me a favor and look around.  Do you like where things are going?  If you are awake and if you are even partly aware of history then how can you possibly say yes?  How can you possibly sit back and do nothing?

Time to go.  Life is indeed passing and before I pass with it I will be heard.

32 Years

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It’s always been a favorite game of mine to pick out a favorite number and use it to lead to a discussion of something completely useless.

This time it’s thirty-two.  Not thirty-one or thirty-three.  Those are far weaker numbers which are devoid of any major substance.  Thirty-two is strong and substantial and it sure feels that it is the type of number a guy can be proud to know; a number that leads a man to something worthwhile in his life.

Thirty-two.  Could have been 1982 or could be 2046.  The difference between those two years is sixty-four years.  And usually that is the same as two thirty-twos but in this case I just don’t know if that holds.

I don’t recall what happened in 2046 just yet but I do still have some recollection of the year that at one time was known as 1982.  It was the year just after 1981 and just before 1983.  It was not just then 1984 and we did not know that all of what Orwell predicted would not quite be realized in full just then.  Maybe later.

Were you around in 1982?  What do you remember?  Do you miss it and do you ever go to visit?

I do, but only on very special occasions.

Will you be there to greet 2046?  What will you expect?  Will you miss it once it arrives and will you then recall 2014?

I’m afraid I’ll likely miss it but not after it arrives.

There are still many things I would like to do and there is so much I would like to change and hopefully improve.  But unless I have at least thirty-two years at my future disposal I fear I will not accomplish it all.

But I will try.

And if I only have a day I will do all that a day allows me to do.  I must be busy and work smart and work hard.  I cannot count on having too much sleep or taking too many vacations or watching too much TV.  Every moment and every moment after are so important.  For all of us actually.

I do pray that I can survive long enough to get a good chunk done.  Too much have I waited too long to get myself and my actions dedicated to getting done.

Here is a start, here in 2014.  I wish I had been able and willing to start back in 1982 and if I am still around and able to do anything in 2046 well…

I will then consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth and the number thirty-two the luckiest number yet to come my way.

And there you have it all.

 

Almost 13

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I have twin boys who will soon be thirteen.

My wife & I have tried our best to raise them right, to prepare them for adulthood as best we could.

Are they ready for it?

I guess that we will see in the coming months and years.

The one thing that we could not prepare them for though is what will be left to them, and their generation, by me and mine.

How in the hell will we, will they, ever pay down a $17.3 TRILLION debt that is only getting larger by the day with no end in sight?

How will they handle the unfunded entitlements that will likely leave them and their friends with next to nothing to show for what they might work for, what we and our parents and grandparents did work for?  There will be nothing left of the security net for them.

This is despicable and unforgivable and, if they ask, I will have nothing to say.

Happy 13th birthday boys- I wonder what your 23rd & 33rd will be like…