Change continues to be hard but the last couple days have not been horrible. How is that for positive confirmation?

Missed an entry here because on Day Four the kids started summer vacation. This will be the real test as I am the one home with them all summer. That’s a lot of opportunities to do things right or to do things wrong and likely a mix of the two. Over the first two summer days that is exactly what has been the case.

We are shopping for new bikes; bikes worthy of a teenage boy. This is like pre-car syndrome so has been a challenge but I think we have reached some conclusion on what to purchase. Man have the prices on bikes gone way up.

Once they have the bikes I suspect that I will see a lot less of them around the house. This is of some concern as we live in a fairly isolated area. But they are older and can hang together and they do deserve some of the freedom that I enjoyed as a youngster. Freedom and trust have to come together along with responsibility. Besides, now there are phones so you can always maintain contact- that is if the battery holds enough charge after so much gaming and texting. Telephone is really a misnomer here.

Anyhow I also suspect that with the new-found freedom from the newly-purchased bikes will come some new trouble of sorts. Issues with going where they aren’t supposed to go; not returning when they are supposed to return; possibly getting hurt; or just getting into some sort of typical kid trouble. All of that comes with the turf I suppose. I hope that none of it is too bad and I hope that I can maintain my cool in most cases if not all.

There is plenty of music practice and lessons to keep them busy along with baseball games and practices. There will be a few sports camps and also a week long band camp. Maybe a short vacation stuck in there someplace.

I hope that it can be a good summer, a great summer, for all of us. I think that these are the ones that get remembered most when you get older so I would like to leave my sons with some pleasant memories of these times and their dad and their mom.

My God, next summer we will be facing high school just ahead. So quickly has it come, so swiftly has the time passed. I can remember summers in our old house and some of the fun things we did- on vacation, in the yard, at the parks, with first tricycles and training wheels, in the basement…

I’m not saying much here these days but am just trying to keep myself calm and collected and lined up to my new resolve to do just those things and do them better. So far I would rate my effort and results just a bit over average and I still need to do better.

There is still so much that I need to do better at, always…always.

Change is so very hard.

Seems that we all fall back on to our old ways and I am somewhat guilty of this as the third day passed.

No matter what it is that I do to try to motivate one of my sons he continues to not respond in a positive and committed fashion. This time I did not yell or get too angry- my wife did. His challenge was clear and accepted and he has not met it. He fails to live up to what he agreed to do and my wife is the one then overreacts (I did stay calm and I tried to diffuse things, I really did) and in the end it is me who is labeled as the bad guy in all of this. That alone is frustrating but I will accept it as part of my own responsibility.

Look, I have tried everything I can think of to help him- with his schooling, with his sports, with just everyday tasks but he continues to press back with some excuse or another as to why he can’t do something or why barely good enough is good enough. He is filled with a lot of capabilities and I fear many will simply fall by the wayside. His music is all that seems to motivate him to push toward excellence and maybe that is what will define him in the long run. That completely fine of course but, still, so much seems missed opportunity. Why not try your best to be your best at everything you do? Maybe it’s just all in the internal wiring.

I point out to my wife that it is not just me who has this struggle with him- there are others who encountered some of the same resistance and wound up just kind of giving up on him. He hits the bench or doesn’t get to play as much or play the positions that he would like to in sports or he stumbles in a particular class or on a test or project. It has continued to be me who does not give up on him; it has been me who continues to seek new ways to get him to get up on himself.  Yet I just can’t seem to reach him or to reach the part of him that would set off this internal drive.

And maybe in trying to do this I have done the wrong thing. I think that he just simply has to find his own way and decide what is worth working hard to obtain, to achieve. He is old enough now to understand that to gain something worth gaining you have to take on a lot of personal responsibility. No excuses. No one will accept them anyway. He is old enough but he either still doesn’t get this or just chooses to remain a child in this regard.

So the third day of my resolve included another large dose of challenge from inside the family and I maybe got an average grade in my response. But I did not lose control and I still have things pretty clearly in perspective.

At some point you can only lead the horse to water…

Beautiful morning after another just-okay night of sleep.

Day four of this personal journey. Please wish me luck.

A very challenging day for me began with the coffee maker not working. It just died. And things did not improve from there but I managed to overcome…for the most part. A challenging day but a very enlightening and successful one upon further review.

One son had a very good day with his music- no details needed here but let’s just say he was happy. And that is good to see.

The other son had a good game of baseball and he, too, was happy. That, too, good to see.

My wife seemed to have had a good day and was also happy. Very nice to see.

I would not say I was happy after all the issues I managed to encounter during the day, Tuesday, but I will definitely say that I am now happy that I managed to avoid most of the old responses. I simply took some breaths and bit the old lip and focused on the good, the positive. It really does work if you try hard. It seems to get a bit easier with each attempt.

There was much good in the day and it was a beautiful day given to us to appreciate and enjoy. I was quite proud of my sons this day and somewhat proud of myself. I realized how many things that tend me toward the negative are things that really are not important in the long or even the short run. They are just not worth the sweat. Breathe, breathe again, give it a few minutes and it is amazing how quickly it can all fade. Give it fuel and it will burn, sometimes way beyond our ability to control and then what is done, or said, is then done, or said.

So not a bad day- a test on restraint and control for me that I would give myself maybe a B-minus upon completion. Could be better and I will make every effort to make it so. It also could have been a lot worse and that is always the case no matter what happens. You know how that goes- never say that it can’t get much worse because it always can and sometimes does. But even that assessment sounds too negative to me and I will not venture there again my friends.

As I head into a third day I ask again for a renewed sense of focus on all things that matter and an ability to just “let it go” for all the things that simply do not. Learn to be able to tell the difference and I think that much of the turmoil, stress, angst, and bitterness in life will simply fall away. A lot of that is created by us anyhow so it is easily within our power to simply make it vanish.

I do think that it may just be possible; I do think that it can be just that simple. I will continue onward and send word from the frontier as I have it to share.

Though it is dark and rainy out there this morning this is an opportunity again, a day to shine for me.

Onward and upward my friends, onward and upward.

Quite a decent day yesterday- for me and the family I think. The boys had a good day and no major issues or arguments or blowups by anyone

I think my wife had a good day though we didn’t get the chance to talk much as I was out late with the boys and she was getting her garden set up until we had a late dinner. We wanted to get to bed at a decent hour so did not have much time to talk.

My one son is going through something that is affecting him emotionally but he has requested to deal with it himself and we have decided to let him do that as long as there is no apparent problem. All part of growing up we feel. He seemed happier yesterday and even more so this morning. I think I know the best way that I can help him to stay happy and I am trying my best to do that.

My other one son was tired and skipped our baseball practice. He had a fun game the other day and I am hoping the same happens tonight and the next two nights. He thinks that he is no good at baseball when he fails at a part of it but then is not motivated or energetic or driven enough to put in the necessary hard practice needed to get over the hump that all ballplayers face sooner or later. I am no longer pushing hard and hope that he just has fun the rest of the season. It may be that this is not a sport for him even though he has a bunch of untapped talent. As a parent I need to continue to press (though less often and more sensitively than I have in the past) but also back off more often than I have. I think I can do it but I really don’t want to see him give it up without having done his very best.

All of this of course affects my wife and I, just like it would in any family and we find ourselves feeding off of each other’s frustration and anger to the point that things sometimes escalate too far. If I can stop myself and just remain calm then it should help the boys, me, and my wife. And maybe they will start to be able to do the same though with teenagers that will be a tall order.

I rested more easily yesterday and even managed a brief and restful afternoon nap. I imagined a blanket descending on me that enveloped me in calm, and peace, and love, and the presence of God…hard to describe but it managed to take away the stress and worries enough to allow me to rest. I tried it again last night and managed a better night’s sleep. I still feel a bit bone-weary but on the mend.

Life is too filled with wonder and good things all around so why do we too often focus on the negative? I am trying to change that as I enter here now into the second day of my Resolve.

Well, things got better and then they didn’t.

Have you ever wondered how much of what happens in life is because of you? Have you ever considered how things might change if only you had the courage to change first?

Do you have that courage?

And, more importantly to me, do I?

As a leader of my family I know that I continue to fall down. I do manage to get up again and again but I hurt from all of the fallings and failings. I need strength, I need courage. I need to do things differently. I need a new mindset.

Today is Monday and we have started this new month of June. It is a new week and a new month and I would like to greet it with a new me. A me dedicated first to family and then to self. I have always had that dedication I think in the correct order but there has been something missing. Perhaps it is patience; perhaps it is the right understanding. Maybe it is the inability to listen properly; maybe it is the inability to express, by word or example, the proper message, consistently.

I know several things that will help me right off but I will not share right here, right now. I just continue to pray that I can have the strength to get to where I want to go. Get happier on the way there and be very happy when I get there. I will benefit of course but, most importantly, so will my family.

There is not much more I want to say here and now. I just need to get going today, this new week, this new month and this new me. A better me, a happier me, a me that I can live the rest of my life around and not be ashamed or filled with too much regret.

I’ll let you know how it’s going. Daily I hope…

Actually, can’t really seem to sleep much at all and sooner or later it will be then end of me.

So much on my mind and so much to worry about- some real, some real and made too much of, some just not worth it but still on my mind.

Health, work (or lack of), finances, family, the future, the country, and all things associated with those things. I fall asleep pretty quickly but then wake around 3:00 or so and cannot get back to sleep to save my soul. Ever happen to you? What did you do?

How do I come out from under all of this? How do I get my life back and how can I keep all of this crap from affecting my family? After all, isn’t that a main part of my job as a dad?

I am failing, I know that. With each waking day and each sleepless night I worry and fret and plan and then lose more ground regardless the path taken. I sure could use a good bit of guidance and some of the divine type would be most welcome. Not asking for major favors here just some indication or guidance as to what I should do on several key fronts. I am lost to a large degree.

Or am I?

Maybe I already have the answers, the solutions, locked away somewhere inside of me. Maybe I just need to relax and do the right thing whatever that may be. Maybe I will know that right thing when the situation arises. Maybe things will just work themselves out if they are allowed the space and time to do so. Who knows for sure? Not me and that’s for sure.

I am now old and getting older. Oh sure I still manage to do things and take care of things as if I were still in my early forties if I do say so myself but it will most likely not be getting easier with time. I fear there is only one path to follow, eventually at least, as far as that is concerned.

Sorry to depress you so early in the morning. No one reads any of this anyhow. I know you don’t read any of this do you? Why not? I really need someone to hear me, to lend an ear to my concerns and maybe a suggestion or two. It could be you you know.

I hope that today brings some welcome happiness to us. I hope that today might mark the beginning of when things get better for us. I hope that today will end on a good and positive note and that life and love will fill our very hearts and souls and that we will know what it is to be. Just to be. Nothing much more complicated than that.

Could it be that easy?

If it is then perhaps I might again be able to rest easy and that would be a very welcome change.

A lot of us make resolutions for the New Year. Did you make any? How are you doing on those resolutions?

Yeah, me too.

So today, since it is the first day of May I am hereby instituting the “May Day Resolution”. You are invited to participate and are most welcome to do so.

I don’t think May Day resolutions should simply be revisions or reincarnations of the New Year’s resolutions as that would be too easy. No, these should be different.

Since May Day is the celebration, in many places, of the coming, of the rite, of Spring and since Spring is a time of renewal then that is what any such resolutions should be based upon.

May Day is the day of the renewal resolution.

Sound trite and silly? When was the last time you renewed yourself in some fundamental way?   When was the last time you ever really tried?

I have tried but rarely ever done. I have always wanted to change certain fundamental things about myself but have done little more than think about it or have only given it a short-lived effort. Today is the day when I choose to do more than that. Today is the day that I begin to work on the me I would like to leave as my own legacy and memory to the world or at least to my own family.

You don’t really need to know what my resolution or resolutions will be; just be ready to meet and greet a changing me and one that I hope you will like just a little bit more than the old me. I know that I will.

I will become the me I have always wanted to be but just never worked hard enough to become.

Some of the choices for me (though you’ll not know which ones I am resolving to pursue you will hopefully be able to tell a bit more, over time, as I pursue them):

• Be more positive and complain less (except about the government and it’s occupiers)
• Be a better example to my kids; guide and lead them
• Be more efficient and get more done
• Work out more, eat less (this has to be a part of any such list)
• Get better sleep
• Forgive more often and more sincerely
• Welcome each day of life as a gift from God
• Become a writer (does any of this count?)
• Become a better husband
• Relax and enjoy life, enjoy the moment
• Be less critical and less judgmental (except about modern culture…and the government)
• Do more to help others

Well, check back at a later date to see how I am doing and please wish me luck.

And let me know how you are as well. And good luck!

The weather has not improved much. In fact it has gotten worse.

The country has not improved much either and I am not holding out much hope there. It is so very sad to me that I will likely be able to say, on the day of my demise, that I was here long enough to pay witness to the deconstruction and final destruction of what had been conceived in liberty and dedicated to a single proposition, not so very long ago. To what end I will never be able to say I fear.

My boys made honor roll again and I just returned from the awards breakfast. I am, have always been, and will always be so very proud of them. They are good kids and they have good friends. I just want to see that they have all the best in terms of opportunities now and in the future. But with each passing day and each concluding school year and baseball season and band concert and calendar month I feel them moving away and onward, on their own, as it should be and as we are trying our best to promote.

Tough to have to gently nudge away those who mean the world to you but it is what should be done. These days I feel that far too many parents never do that and there will always be a price to pay for a dearth of independence in society. It’s there now but few choose to look and see it. Before much longer though they will likely be made to feel it and at that moment it will be too late. Too damn late.

Since I was going inside of the school this morning I did not let Maizey ride along with us.   This dog lives for school mornings. She loves to climb up into the Explorer (she can’t really leap anymore, sadly) and take up her perch and accompany me and the boys on our short ride to school.

She won’t jump out when I drop them off; Misty sure would but not Miss Maizey. The boys pat her and say bye as they leap out (they can but I, like Miss Maizey, cannot) and head off to enjoy their school day. They seem to still like school and that is good and as we, of course, prefer it. Then I take Miss Maizey on a ride around the farmlands for about ten minutes or so before we return home.

Every so often I reach to the back seat and she nuzzles and licks my hand. She’s like that.

She really doesn’t like the window open when we are going fast. Messes up her fur I guess.

No, she just likes to look out the window- maybe her canine version of a “moving picture show”- and be with me or just away from the hubbub for a while. She is such a good and loving girl.

When we return home I have a foam pad I lay out so that she can jump down with less risk of injury to her hips or forepaws. That works for now but soon I may need to build a ramp. Whatever, it will be a small price to pay to reward this beautiful dog who has given us so much fun and so much joy and has been such a key part of our family and our lives since the boys were very young. They grew up together.

Today she could not go with us and I could see in her eyes the sadness at being left behind. She has so very little that she seems to really like to do anymore and this is definitely one of her favorite activities. Sleeping is another. Eating is still another but likely captures the top three spots. I try to indulge as much as possible.

I fear the day when she will no longer be able to go with at all or when we have to take her on her final ride. How does one let go? I tear up now as I think of it but I will always know one thing for certain:

…we have been much more the better off with Miss Maizey in our lives than we would have been without her. Misty cannot replace her; no dog ever could. And even if it could I wouldn’t let it.

Until the time that we will have to let her go she will be given everything possible. We did it when she was a puppy and we will do it as she now ages.

It was the time in between that her independence came. And it is now, sadly going, but her family will be the ones to help her because we love her so.

And that too is as it always should be.