Probably my favorite month of the year, right along with December. October. The real beginning of Fall; football; my birthday; Halloween and “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” What’s not to like?

I have been involved and busied in so many things of late and have neglected my duties to this blog and all of the readers that I do not have. The outcry at my absence has been, well, not quite deafening.

So much to say and so much going on in the world and in our country. At least I think it is still our country…for now at least. Maybe not for long though. Not given all of that is going on. And I really don’t think many are watching or don’t seem to care or maybe too much of both. I’ll save that for my next posting though. For now I would like to start this month, my favorite month in all likelihood, out on a positive and happy note. As much as possible that is.

My kids grown ever closer to high school.   It is so hard to realize at times how quickly time has passed of course, a thing to which all parents would likely likewise attest. They are doing well and doing a lot. Academics- good; music- good to very good; sports- good; happiness- pretty good I think. They are teenagers though and are acting as most teens do- they don’t seem to have as much need for their parents as they used to and that makes us sad at times but is indeed a sign that they are growing up fairly normal I think.

My wife and I have our issues- some more pressing and serious than others of course- but we manage to stay together as so many seem to not. Our relationship is basically strong but needs much more attention than we have been able to give it. I sense that is changing, a bit here and there, in the right direction. I hope that I am right and I know I need to pay more attention and do more of the right things.

I love my wife and I love my kids. I love our family (this would have to include our Goldens as most would know and agree with such an inclusion) and we have a fairly fortunate situation given some of what we see around us. At times I wish that I had married younger (same person honey!) and had kids sooner (same kids kids!) as I find that I am too often easily exhausted these days. Maybe that is my age or maybe my diet or maybe just a lack of quality sleep. Not too unlike many out there I would guess. Hopefully fixable. Likely solvable.

Not much creativity here this morning. Just wanted to start the month out with an entry. Get back to some more regular writing. Get back to getting some of all of this off of my chest.

How are all of you doing? Is life good? Are you happy with things- at home, at work, in your community, in your state, in your country…in the world? I hope so. In a world seemingly too fast filling with new evil and old hatreds it would seem that a lot more goodness is needed in the balance. The problem with the bad versus the good is that the bad attacks and kills while the good too often just does nothing. Often when nothing is done then nothing is done.

So go out today and make some good okay? Stand for something that is true and good and right and maybe missing from your life or from your world. Fill the voids that evil seeks and evil fills. Before it is too late.

I fear for us my friends, but today I will not live within such fear. Today I will welcome my favorite month with an open heart and open mind and I will do my best to make someone else’s day worth shining on. It is the least that I can do on this first day of my favorite month. Maybe you can join me?

Until another day stay strong and fight evil. It is closer, and stronger, than you think.

It is, again my friends, early in the morning. Too early in the morning. Sleep too often seems to be so elusive for me.

So I sit here this early, dark and Monday morn with a cup of coffee at the ready and I wonder about so much and worry about even more. As if that should be possible.   But it is.

And I sit here and wonder about people in general and then in more specificity. The devil has been rumored to be in the detail.

I am not wondering about the Howcan people though there are wonders to be had there. As in Howcan people live with the things that they do; Howcan people live with themselves; Howcan people be so callous and indifferent; Howcan people change the path that they are on. The Howcans are best left alone for now.

I am also not really wondering about the Whatare people though there, too, are many questions to be answered. Like Whatare people thinking; Whatare people really after; Whatare people going to do when the final bell is rung; Whatare people capable of when their options run out. The Whatares tend to be better left alone.

And then there are the Wherewills. Wherewill people go when all is lost; Wherewill people draw the line; Wherewill people stand and fight for what is really important; Wherewill people gain the strength to overcome their weakness. The Wherewills are strange and complex people who do not wish to be understood.

No, my focus is more on the Whydo people.

Whydo people seem so selfish and self-centered?

Whydo people not seem to care about me and mine or even you and yours?

Whydo people no longer display even some of the seemingly simplest of human kindnesses?

Whydo people not practice the true purpose of what they preach; Whydo people not realize that what they do can hurt many; Whydo people not understand that actions have consequences and that consequences have casualties of their very own; Whydo people not hear what they say or listen to the words that they speak; Whydo people far too often seem to just look the other way when all that is important is happening right in front of their own faces; Whydo people just let others get away with things that should not be gotten away with…

I am far from young and at least a few miles into old but I am still here and I am still alive and I still have many jobs to do and many things to get accomplished. Though lately I am far too apt to just want to give up I also find myself rising back up again, albeit slowly and with more than some pain and more than a few scars. And even at my advancing age maybe just a tad bit wiser.

But as a hero of mine once said, perhaps meant for all the Howcans, Whatare, Wherewills and, yes, even the Whydos: “I’m standin’ here…”

This person, me, is still here and still standing. Barely perhaps and with wobbly legs but still standing nonetheless.

And if you’re standing then there still survives hope within you. Ever beats the heart of a wannabe champion…

In so many ways I suppose that it is hard for me to imagine a time in my life like this. Every time I think I have turned the corner I find that I have not. I find that there is one more “challenge” that lies in wait for me and my family. Life is indeed all about facing and overcoming challenges but, at my age, it would sure be nice to encounter more frequently a series of successes…or once in a while even just some good old fashioned simple luck.

Seems too damned much to ask though. Good idea not to ask I guess.

Turned left- shoulda turned right. Zigged- shoulda zagged. Raised when I shoulda called. Talked when I shoulda listened. Yelled- shoulda whispered. Lashed out when I coulda cared more. Swung- and missed- at ball four. Wished when I shoulda prayed. Lent a hand to hold a guy down when I coulda used it to help him up and out. Broke when I shoulda just bent. Said too much and then too little. Was too late to be just a bit early for a change. Ran when I should walked; walked when I should crawled; crawled when I shoulda just sat still and pretended I was not even there. Mis-judged that easy pop-up; missed that 3 feet putt; hit the easy forehand out by just an inch; shanked that extra point; missed the open man on the give-and-go; missed him again on the out-and-up; broke my stick with an open net just in front of me; hooked the ball just to the right of the goal; missed both free throws and then let my man beat me for the winning lay-up; pretended that none of it really mattered that much to me. Laughed when I really shoulda cried.

It was a hard night last night and a hard and early morning. Rarely have I felt this low. The more I try to separate myself from the things that serve to bring me down the more all of those things, and even more of those things, tend to find me and bring me downer still. It is amazing.

After I started this so very early this morning I had to stop to take my kids and a friend to a baseball camp. I was tired but it was such a nice morning and I was actually ahead of schedule for a change.

I got a speeding ticket along the way. Turned out also that my insurance card was three months out of date. I should be able to get out of the second ticket but the first will remain. The kids were late for the camp.

Just when you think things can’t get worse they often do. Just when I thought I was as low as I could go I find that it was actually quite easy to go lower. Amazingly easy.

I no longer ask how things could possibly get worse or how I could feel any lower. Far too often I receive the answer I don’t want in a way I had not really seen as being possible.

But all things are possible so, again, I no longer dare to ask.

Yesterday was Friday the 13^th. There is an idea that this is an unlucky day and yesterday did not disappoint. It was not only the worst day we’ve had since I made my resolve and maybe one of the worst ever.

I need not go into detail. It may just be that I am not a good parent and will not likely ever become one no matter what I try, no matter what my resolve may be. That is on me of course.

I suppose life is too often sad and that much may simply be inevitable. I’m not sure if life is filled with or determined by fate but I do know that it seems sometimes you just feel like you are fighting a losing battle against a fore drawn conclusion of our existence in life. That is sad.

I will likely never be the parent I want to be or even the one I should be but perhaps I can pick up all of these broken pieces and glue something back together that will be of some better value to my kids, my family. It has to be possible to at least improve, to get better in some small way. It does doesn’t it?

Maybe my resolve was too vague or too broad to be of much use on a daily basis. Maybe it should have been and should be more simple and straightforward. Maybe I was just too weak to make it so.

I seem to be too bitter these days and I don’t know why. It makes no sense. This bottled up anger and frustration is just a recipe for failure in all that I try and all that I do. I have to release it as quickly as possible and start a road to recovery. I really don’t try to be this way.

It must be simple and it must be quick.

Each morning I need to thank God for my existence and for all that I have and have had throughout my life. I need to thank God for the past day and ask for His help in the coming one. I need to relax and remember what is important and what is not and I need to improve in some small way each day. And once that tiny little improvement is realized then it needs to be kept for all time.

Build it up a little at a time and maybe I can make it all better somehow, on some coming day. It may not be exactly what I want it to be or what it even should be but at least it will be a darn sight better than today.

Given the way things have turned, that shouldn’t be all that hard to accomplish.

God please help me on all of this. God please help me this very day.

Sometimes even a solid resolve cannot fix things. Sometimes the world spins and you just have to hang on.

Not a great day, the dozenth.

My sons still struggle to get along, too often in my opinion, especially in sports. One is too sensitive at times and the other too often lashes out, including at himself. He is his own worst critic and is often too hard on himself. The situation is often far too negative.

I was like both of them in some ways but I learned how to deal with and improve things. I don’t recall when I finally got over the hump (assuming that I did) but I do remember that I did it mostly all by myself. That is why I left things alone last night. I did say how I no longer enjoy going to see their games though because, win or lose, there seems to always be an issue after the game that one has with the other or with himself. And it has gotten somewhat out of control.

It is sad but it is true- I do no longer really look forward to these games. That is for a number of reasons beyond what I am mentioning here and I could get over most of them if I could just see my kids having fun and getting along with one another. They could so much together and help each other in so many ways to get better at so many things- school, music, sports…life. So much, so much. But time is running.

This could all change I know. I did not get mad and I controlled myself but I decided to let them alone to work things out on their own, by themselves. I hope that they can and I hope I am doing the right thing.

So today I am sad but I will not abandon my resolve. I will make some adjustments and move on.

The foundation of so much I want to do is eroding though. I find myself too often feeling lost and rather alone. My wife is rightly focused on her own health issues and I am nothing but supportive but find there is little I can do but offer that somewhat helpless support. My kids need me I think but I struggle to find the right approach to offer them whatever I still have to give, to teach, to share.

Is this normal? Probably it is to a degree but I sometimes wonder if my age impacts my ability to exercise the needed patience and empathy.  Maybe I am just too damn old.

Maybe so. Maybe I am doomed to fail.

But I will not give up; I will not give in. I re-affirm my resolve to change, to do the right things, to have my heart and my head in the right place as often as possible, to support my family in all of the ways that I can and all of the ways that I should.

As the immortal Rocky once said (or maybe more than once given how many times he was pummeled):

“I’m still standin’here…”

I remain focused upon my resolve.

I have succeeded and I have failed. Certainly on the same day and even in the same hour. A few times in the same situation. But I remain resolved.

So much of how we react to things depends upon how we feel and how we approach every moment. I have to continue to try to get better sleep and also to get back to my workouts. When you feel better everything is easier to handle. Start by feeling better about yourself and you might be surprised how that carries over to how you deal with other people and situations. The reverse is also true so don’t go there!

Has my patience eroded with age?

Have I forgotten what it is like to be a teen-ager?

Did I have less “in my way” as a teen because my mom had passed away and my dad was at work a lot or certainly not deeply into “my stuff”? Perhaps. Well, yea.

I am not dead. I am not planning on getting there anytime soon though one never knows. I am learning to get more done in less time and once again to better manage my time. Each day offers us another chance to do something we need to do, want to do, or simply love to do.

I love my kids and I love my wife and I love our life though I know there are things that need to be changed or that can be improved. This is usually the case with any family isn’t it? So we just need to do what we can in that regard. Accentuate the positive and work to eliminate the negative.

“Resolution of happiness….Execution of bitterness…”

I want to do something radically different with my life (career) and while I have started in that direction by doing things like this endlessly unread blog I am stuck in between neutral and first gear though now finally heading in a better direction I believe. Just not able to get up to speed quite yet.

As with all things so with time will goodness come. I await it eagerly and know this to be true for if it isn’t then the alternative is hardly worth considering, is it?

I remain focused on my resolve and committed to pursuing my dreams after too many years of putting them aside. I know mostly what I want after now so many years spent spinning in some ways.

I remain fully committed to my family and devoted to doing what I can to help my country in what I consider to be one of her greatest times of need. The former is easy, the latter not quite so.

I welcome the blanket of peace and calm as it falls all about me. So much can it help me to cast off doubt and all things bad.

I welcome the aid of the divine in all endeavors but mostly in my efforts with my family. Effort does not seem quite the appropriate word there but I have no better one just now.

For in the end, when my time has come, what will be more important than that? What better way to try to leave a part of me, a part of the good part of me, to my children and any and all who may come after?

With God’s blessing I will not fail. I remain re-resolved in these things, this day and all days’ future.

Things get easier with time. It was a good day if not a great one. It was a day of no great shakes but also a day of no real regrets. Here initially I work for no regrets and rejoice when I encounter none.

If I can get things on the steady track then I would like to get back to more largely critical topics. That means topics of import regarding society, culture, and politics. The world has not improved much since I last spoke of her and this great country continues along what could be her ultimate demise but is at the very best certainly a slide toward something I fear and even know is worse still in the long run.

For what is worse: a good man who dies a premature death or a good man who is changed to evil? The contrast between life and death holds no candle to that between good and evil.

Enough on that for now. Back to me and my resolve.

Things are improving slowly and mainly with my approach and my attitude. Those are keys. Things do not just get better; they seem to get better and that alone can make people feel better and is rather then a self-activating catalyst. Perception is a very powerful influencer and can bring about some wonderful changes.

But it must be genuine at some point and not contrived. You can fake something at first until it fits a bit better but eventually it needs to become real in order to be of any significant benefit. You should believe and in believing the reality can change…for the better. And with that change can come more change.

What am I saying? Well, grab an idea or feeling you wish to pursue and just start out by doing what you can to move toward it and act, if you must, like that progress is happening. Put on that face; act as if you have “been there before.” Before very long the costume begins to fit a bit better and your surroundings feel a bit more comfortable, a bit more natural. And with those actuated feelings come more genuine ones. Self-fulfilling, self-propelling. Your boat, your motor.

It is Sunday and today I resolve to get as much done from my list as I can but I also resolve to continue along the renewed path I have attempted. No backsliding and no turning back. The shoes feel comfortable, the shirt and pants fit well; the day breaks out in sunshine after an overnight rainfall and it feels right, it feels as if I should be here. I feel more like I do belong and there is a purpose to me and to this life as I strive to live it.

I hope that this can spill over to the ones I love for that is the ultimate objective. All of this and the world not for me (though it will make me feel better, will indeed make me better) but for them.

Only then can I rise to meet the day and get on with what remains from God of my living here on this earth. I hope that the good times proceed with all further ado. We could all use better days.