Category Archives: Personal

Been Goner

Commentary Personal Political No Comments

 

Trying my bestest these days to get to gonest.  Working on it man, working on it.

Just a few things here, this cold and sunny Friday morning as January fades into the melting snow.

I don’t think I ever write about all of the good things about my life, my wife, my kids, my family but I should because they are what keeps me going always; they are who inspire me to face each day and without them life would not be as challenging or as beautiful.  For them, for this life, I am forever grateful to the God that more and more people, on a regular basis, deny exists.  Yep,  all of this was just random chance governed by a few basic physical laws.  But here is a question that I know I cannot answer.  Why does the law of gravity dictate that two bodies are attracted rather than repulsed by one another?  Who made left left instead of right?…up up instead of down?…electrons have to remain usually in a certain orbit?…radioactive elements have to decay?…the Big Bang not shoot out in a preferred left, right, up, or down direction rather than in spherical direction?  Or did I miss something?

And why the hell did a firefly develop that cool luminescence?  How did it know and what was it before it did?

To me science is the doorway to the divinity, to a higher or at least unknown power that makes a bit more sense out of all this nonsense.

And that is my twosense.

While I am at it another topic springed up agin this morning.  It’s one of my faves- racinism!  (There I said the nasty “R” word and I haven’t combusted in a spontaneous or any other fashion…just yet anyhow.)

I gots a question I have to ask.  Why are you allowed to be proud of your race while I am supposed to be ashamed of mine?  That seems rather racinist to me.

And another:  why am I always made to feel that I should be apologizing for a bunch of stuff that I didn’t do?  (And, for that matter, neither did my brother or sisters, my father or mother, my grandmothers or grandfathers…pretty much as far back as I can remember anyhoo.)

Is there a purpose to all this racinism stuff?  Does someone stand to gain from such false and endless claims?

And, hey you ponderable liberals, here is a question that is sure to keep you busy:

Which one is the worst? (or, if easier, please just rank order the following in order of worstness):

A racinist, a sexinist, an anti-gay-marriage gay basher, a pro-lifer, George W. Bush, a Christian, a stay-at-home-mom, an oil pipeline, a climate-change deniester, Sarah-goddamn-Palin, free speech, a gun-owner, white cops, Rush Limbaugh, China, Chick-Fil-A, the U.S. Constitution, Chris Kyle, a fiscal conservative, the Koch brothers, a family with two still-married-and-living-together-heterosexually parents and more than one kid, God, faulty condoms, another Bush in the White House, Hobby Lobby, the abolition of Executive Orders, John Boehner, suburban whites, non-union workers, the 2000 Presidential Election, Michelle Bachmann, a conservative black person, the use of the word “terrorist”, illegal drugs, untaxed anything, capitalism, second-hand smoke, the “N” word, a conservative woman, American history, Christopher Columbus, an SUV, a house or apartment bigger than yours, self-made millionaires, a right-to-work state, any corporation, any CEO of any corporation, any employee of any corporation, Fox News, Richard Nixon, a southerner, a Jew, McDonalds, tort reform, a budget, a strong-and-ready military, Ronald Reagan, the Founding Fathers, Sunday mass, private charity, Citizen’s United, Hillary Clinton forced to actually run before being handed the Presidency, American exceptionalism, small businesses, entrepreneurs, Republicans, welfare reform, Middle America, Rural America, prayer in schools, due process, American football, Dick Cheney, the stock market, interrogation techniques, Israel, anti-conspiracy theories, cowboys, charter schools, parochial schools, private schools, the Duke Lacrosse team, Darren Wilson, non-minority viewpoints, non-government healthcare, independence, responsibility, accountability, spending limits, or separation of powers.

There, now that is a good start of a list is it not? 

I will sit and await your response…

 

And Then There Was

Personal No Comments

 

Sometimes you feel like nothing ever changes and at other times you realize how little remains the same. Things change even when they don’t; it just might be too subtle or simple for you and me to see or notice.

We wind now into the final month of this, another year. When I look back nothing much seems different from last December yet I know that we, all of us, have covered a lot more ground than we realize. I’m not sure if that’s good or not but I do know it’s true. And is life simply just a matter of moving forward and never going back?

Ah, heck, I dunno. It’s early again and I couldn’t sleep again so I fired up the computer to write here, again. Not as prolific as a year ago when I was writing daily but I still try to get something said with the voice that remains to me.

It’s Friday and the kids and the wife have half-days. They plan to go out shopping together in the afternoon while I continue on the home project from hell. I need to be doing something with my life. For too long idle and for too long indecisive. I think that will be changing.

Christmas is coming on fast and I am more in the spirit this year than usual. I hope that can continue because it is a good feeling and I really could use some good feelings.

I ain’t complaining. I just wish I could sleep better and feel a little better in the process.

Soon, the boys will be up and getting ready for another day at school. They move on after this year to high school. So cliché but so true to state how fast it has indeed gone by. If we could live our lives all over again would we choose to do so?

If we could change something in our past what would it be? If we could do something different what would it have been? If we could change one thing about ourselves what would that be?

I wonder if such questions and their answers have any real purpose. Do they help? Probably not.

Not too cold today. Maybe a better winter than last year. Maybe better things ahead for me, or us, or at least some of us. What would I have tomorrow bring if I could place that order?

Tomorrow is another day if it is not the one we have today and not the one we knew yesterday. It is early and tomorrow has become today. There is always hope and there is always a chance to change things or even keep them the same if you like the way things are.

I like options and I like change. I also like consistency and the comfort that the old comfy flannel brings. There is something warm and soothing in the things we know and love.

For now, this day, this early morning, I look to my future and I vow to make the changes and do the things I know that I need to do. But I also hope that this weekend I can spend some time basking in the light of the things that I know, with the people that I love and cherish, and hope and pray that we all come out okay in the end.

Life is scary sometimes and what comes next may not be known but it does not have to be feared. Not yet.

Leftovers

Personal Reflections & Memories No Comments

 

For days we will be enjoying the food prepared but not consumed on Thanksgiving. It was good and still is but I imagine we will soon tire of it as we do so with so many things in life.

See them come and see them go. Use them now and toss them later. Always, enjoy it while it lasts.

Is my life now leftover? Have I come to the point where nothing is new and everything is just a rehashing of what was done or said or experienced before? Is that okay by me?

There was a time when I was young and life was so very exciting and surprising with something new waiting around almost every corner. You would never quite know what was ahead but you went, with such hope and energy, inexorably toward it. You knew that there was still so much more. So much more.

But then something happened and you began to settle. You settled into a comfort zone that included the people, places and things you felt most secure and at ease with- no shocks and no surprises, just life as ordered. This seems unavoidable and really rather normal and is not even really that bad were it still mixed with some sort of spice, some sort of new adventure every once in a while.

I pause, overlong, at a crossroad. In a way it is not really a crossroad; it is more like a major interchange. And the choices I have are to rest and remain rested, as I have done for too long now I think, or to get up and get going. I can still choose the direction and there are still several choices on which way to go but go I must. There is too much dust that has settled upon me and my body is tending to resist use with all of this lack of use that has gone on for far too long.

I used to think of such moments as a budding adventure but now I tend to hold a bit too much apprehension, if not fear. I am not really scared, just unsure and not wanting to get it wrong if I miss on getting it right. Maybe I am just lazy.  I no longer have the luxury of being able to waste more time as time grows shorter for me with every passing day. This is true for all of those who live or who have lived and it is likewise true for me.

This shouldn’t be too hard to do when you think upon it. I have always eventually gotten going in some direction or another and there are quite significant times in my life when I have had to choose and go. I am somewhat proud and very glad to note and state that most of the time I got it right. It might be luck, it might be divine intervention; heck, it might even be that I have a clue and a good one at that from time to time. Mostly, things have gone right and well for me. No major compaints.

So what keeps me from getting going? There may not be much time remaining to me and yet again there may still be decades ahead. Most of the time you just don’t know about things.

Life is precious so enjoy it to the extent that you can and do what you may and, with good fortune, what you will. There are choices to be made and steps to be taken and there are far too many who wind up doing neither.

I have done okay with what I have done but I have sometimes taken too long in the doing or even the deciding to do. This early morning I pledge to idle no longer and to grab hold with both hands and fly forward to wherever this crazy, awesome ride may take me.

The alternative is far too common and not something I wish to look back upon as having been my decision, my legacy as it were. Leftovers are fine, but only for a while.

Happy Birthday Dad

Personal Reflections & Memories No Comments

 

There are years when I forget but this time I recall. You would have been eighty-eight this year had you lived. But you died short of your seventy-first birthday and that was about a month before I married. You would really enjoy and love your grandsons I think.

It gets harder with each passing year, of course, to remember you and those times from long ago. I essentially left home after high school though still spent my first two summers at college back at home. When I moved to Florida after graduation I didn’t stay in contact as I think now that I should have, perhaps in a way that would have made you a bit happier and your life a bit better. But, as is always the usual excuse, I had things to do.

So much I learned from you and so much of it stays with me today, is always a part of me no matter where I go or what I do in what remains of life to me. I also learned some things, just a few perhaps, that I did not want to do, some ways that I did not want to be- to think, to act.

You seemed too often to have a bit of a persecution complex and I have tried mightily to stay away from that though I have mostly failed. I try to keep that to myself though. And while you always got along great with people you did seem to go out of your way to avoid contact at some point. That one plagues me as well. You disappeared into your own restricted world and I find that I tend to do the same though again, I try not to. And, finally, I always thought that with your intellect and artistic talent you could and should have done more with your life. Things that would have made you more happy and satisfied and, dare I say, “successful”. In that vein I feel I have done well and created a somewhat successful life that I am proud of and one that has allowed my kids to have a better starting point than I did. In that last point you and mom did great and gave us a better point from which to start than either of you had- we all had a great education and also graduated from college and where we went and what we did beyond that were our decisions.   For the most part we all did okay.

What has happened with your kids is way beyond your control and was never really your fault. I don’t know why we went our different ways and why only two of us remain in contact but that is where things are at these days and I don’t see it changing. Sad but true.

Sometimes in older age we reflect a bit too positively or negatively I suppose. While this has maybe sounded too negative there is far more positive that I took from you.

Your sense of humor. My love of reading and music. My love of sports and simple things like walking and being outside. From you I believe I received more than an average intellect (fair and equal thanks to mom for that of course) and also a work ethic that will never allow me to do something half-assed. I learned responsibility and respect and I learned all of this without much yelling and almost no physical discipline that I recall on your behalf. My friends and those who knew you, to this very day will say how much they always liked being around you and what a good man you were. There are less lasting legacies in life to have.

These things and others I have tried to pass along and instill in my own kids but I fail too often in the approach. I sure could use some of your gentle command to help me get through some of these times, especially as of late. Perhaps the fact that I was much more on my own at the same age made our interactions much simpler and congenial, I don’t know, but I do know that I too often take a hardline approach in raising my boys and I sure could use some help, your help, from this day onward.

It seems the right thing to do, for me to pass along the best of you while trying to hold back some of the not-so-best and I hope and expect that my kids will attempt to do the same with their own. I can honestly and thankfully say that the best of you far outweighed the not-so-best and I fear sometimes that my kids may one day not feel the same way about me and it is with that and for that reason that I ask your help. I also ask, of course, because of how much I love them and want to give to them the best that I can.

Strange to ask you for a gift on your birthday but it would sure be appreciated and is sorely needed so if you can somehow help… In the meanwhile, Happy Birthday and I miss you and still think of you often. I wish my boys would have gotten to meet you, once upon a time. They would have enjoyed and loved you too.

The Coming of Thanks and Giving

Observations Personal No Comments

 

I try to be calm when things get challenging but, far too often, I fail. I try to keep my head when all around me are losing theirs but, here too, I am not often enough successful. I try to remember that things will get better and I try always to believe that there is some reason behind everything that happens but with the more life that I see, the less faith I sometimes have in those weakening convictions.

Tomorrow is another day but, to get there, you have to make it through today. It is so very cold out there for this time of year and has been for a week now with more to come. I am still unemployed with lots of ideas and paths that I am pursuing but have I lost faith that I will find something that will make me happy and satisfied for the next few or several years? Have I lost faith in myself?

Not really but I do need to get it together and going. I am moving but just not fast enough. When it comes to me I am rarely left without hope but there are too many times lately that I don’t especially like myself all that much. Guess that is normal and all too easily human.

The best that remains to me is my family and, for them, always for them, I worry and fret. There is nothing unusual about that.

So many friends and family have fallen by the wayside these past five to ten years. I cannot say that that is my fault but I also cannot say that it is not. It is a shame that my kids do not have the social networks that seem to come along with so many of their friends’ families but we try our best with what we have and we try to hang on.

Always hang on.

And regardless the circumstances that surround us we still have one another and we still really have so much, much that many others do not have. For, you see, no matter how good or bad you have it there will always be those who have it better…or worse. It is a very wide spectrum. As long as you are blessed with another day you should know that there is, indeed, another way. And as long as there is another day and another way then there is hope for all that ails you.

Thank the Lord for what you have been given and thank the Lord for what you have achieved and found and had the pleasure to bear witness to in this life, your life. Why was a life given to you, to me, to any of us? And why this very life, the one that we have?

We can look at another and say “wish I had his or her life” or perhaps “glad that I don’t” but, in the end of things, we are who we are and we have the life made from the clay that we were given. Not alone did we mold it and not alone, really ever, do we continue to do so.

If it is bad, it can be better. If it is good, it can get even better still. If you smile you may soon laugh. If you have a sliver of hope that remains you may find that it can blossom into hope. If you look around and truly count your blessings you may find that there are more than a few to be tallied. Things are indeed most often what we make them and we are often who we allow ourselves to be. And you should read that again and say it many times to yourself for it is very true indeed.

Love your family and hug your kids. Pet your dog and tell someone you love him or her. Smile when folks expect a frown and laugh when others despair. Offer a hand to those in need and food to those who hunger. Be there when someone needs you. Never lose faith in yourself or your spouse and, more than all, never lose faith in your kids. While you may not have created yourself you sure as heck had a big role in creating them. And with that role comes responsibility so accept that and never give up, never say when.

Give thanks for all that you have and have been given. Give back to those in need and greet the coming day with the hope and wonder so that each new rising sun may feed and nurture and give back to you in kind.

You may find that life can be beautiful for the first time or once again. You may find the things you have always sought but never found. You may find your spouse, your kids, new friends and old family. You may even finally find yourself.

Today, early as is all of this very cold weather, I will give thanks. You should try to do the same.

Sounds of the Night

Observations Personal No Comments

 

It’s late; or maybe it’s just very early. Still, I try to sleep but find that I cannot. Night after night; or maybe it’s morning after morning.

All that I know for sure, really, is that it is dark and I am still not asleep. But I wish that I was. God in heaven, I wish that I was.

The noise. That noise, what was it? What is it? Is it normal? Have I heard it before? Will it wake my wife or my kids or my dogs? Should I be concerned? Should I be afraid? Should I get up and look and face whatever it is, whatever it might be?

Maybe I should just keep trying to fall back asleep. Just wish that I could. God in heaven, I wish that I could.

There is that noise that starts in October and runs well into this month. A nearby farm as it processes grain or whatever it is that it does, all day and night, constantly and without surcease, that makes such noise, especially when carried on the wind in the night or even very early morning. And with the leaves now gone and the air now cold it seems to carry louder still, reflect and return and add to the growing din. What is that? I should know but I do not. I will one day though.

I have a constant ringing in my ears- tinnitus it is called. You mostly get used to it but there are times when it stands in the fore and demands all of my waking attention. They say it drives some people to suicide it can get so bad. During the day it is usually somewhat masked by the sounds all around but at night, at night it dominates and keeps you awake and forces you to listen, perhaps even to things beyond what you might normally have heard. God I wish that the ringing would just one day stop as abruptly as it one day began those years ago now.

The house settles and moans. Some seems normal and some seems not so. And if the weather changes, if the wind attacks with furor as it is apt to do in these parts in November, if the temperature drops or rises rapidly as it is apt to do in these parts in November, if the rain falls before changing to snow as it is apt to do in these parts in November, well, then the house really has little choice but to settle and shift and react and move and shake and shimmy and moan and groan and sigh and grunt and in general respond to whatever assaults it as if to let us know that, perhaps in its own peculiar way, it lives and has a heart and a soul like you and like me and, in the end, you are not sure if it is, perhaps like you, in pain and just letting all inside know so.

So you listen and wonder and still you do not rise. It is yet dark but you do not know the time because you do not really want to know. There might still be sleep to be had, some sleep to be had, unless you see that it is almost your usual time to rise and face the dawn.

The furnace. An appliance. A child rolling or shifting or coughing softly in his sleep. One of the dogs as it dreams or simply makes some canine noise. (Just please don’t bark as that would be a bad sign that there is more yet to worry about.)

The coyote pack on the hunt. Are they drawing nearer to us or is that, too, a trick of the wind and the cold and thin nighttime air?

Was that the creaking of a stair or two? Did that sound come all the way from down in the basement? Was that something in the back yard? I thought I heard a chair move down there in the kitchen.

Plumbing from somewhere. Someone up to use the bathroom; maybe the water softener as it recharges itself. But it could be a leak has sprung somewhere and you had better get up to check it out and stop it before too much damage occurs.

Did that new TV just turn itself on again or is one of the crazy kids up and watching it when he should be sleeping?

Someone’s phone alert just went off didn’t it? Was that a text message or maybe an alarm? I know it wasn’t mine because my phone is right here next to my bed. Or is it?

A bird on the roof. What was that in the attic? Maybe a mouse or rat or squirrel. God no, it might be a bat and that would not be good; no not at all. I can trap a rodent (later of course) but a bat? Oh man, not that.

What time is it? What day is it? What is on the plan for today? What will lie in wait for me, for us, for the world this coming day?

I need to get up but cannot. I think of all the places I have lived and slept and the nights, or mornings, just like this when I lie awake and listen to the noises of the night, or morning, of that night, of that morning, of that place, of that time. And I remember like it was just a moment ago.

But that is not now and I am no longer him. Yet it is still a cold and breezy November morning so like those from then and those still yet to be.

And I listen to the sounds of the night, this night, or this morning, and it is still dark and I still cannot go back to sleep.

So I rise and listen and wonder what kind of day this will be. And I hope that that noise, that all of those noises, are not going to be something for me to worry about any longer.

At least, not until later tonight.

Done There, Been That

Personal No Comments

 

And so on it goes. And it goes as it goes. And it sometimes goes too fast or simply goes away. And often it does not go as you would have it to go but go it still does. And from all that going is left to you choices; even if they may be hard to see.

When it comes to ourselves and our families and loved ones we seem to be a bit blinded at times and often have a lot of difficulty finding a path out of the forest. We panic, we react; we get emotional and can longer seem to see the light of day. All is dark and all is lost. So it seems and so it goes. And goes…

But they say it is darkest before the dawn. Outside of my windows this morning the dawn is breaking and it is a new day, it is a new week. And with all of that unrealized promise come I; within all of that yet unborn living and opportunity there may yet spin hope for me and mine; hope for all of us. Heck, there may even be more than hope.

In sports there is an old adage- just keep the ball in play. You never know when things could start to change, when things might begin to go more your way. I know, I have managed more often than not to keep the ball in play but, now, I am getting older and the ball is a little farther away from my hand. These days it involves my family and not just me and that is where emotion enters and often takes over. We are human beings after all.

I have always been able to accept a challenge and also the results that came with it, good or bad. Not sure where I learned that, maybe just over time, but I have done okay. Sure, I am disappointed when things don’t go right, don’t go my way, but I want to share probably the most valuable lesson I ever learned from my training and my career in engineering.

So often when attempting to solve a problem in engineering, be it on a test or in actual design or evaluation, you will encounter failure, you will run into what seems to be a dead end. You have certain parameters you need to abide by- time on a test, design criteria, budget, product cycle time, customer response to a problem- and certain outcomes and goals that you are tasked to achieve. When something fails or a hypothesis or approach shows no promise you have to find another way. You struggle and you sweat and the only failure is when you run out of ideas. You consult the literature, you consult your associates, you bring it in front of the experts, you pray. Much more often than not you find a way, you find a new path to follow and you re-energize yourself and the effort to solve the problem, to overcome the challenge. It is amazing. Sometimes you just have to leave it alone for a while to cleanse your thoughts and wipe the slate clean. Inspiration so often visits when least expected. And you learn that it is indeed many times darkest before the dawn.

You also learn when to say when and you learn to live with “failure with honor.” With honor because you have tried your best and then even better. You have exhausted all possible solutions and then some. You have worked your butt off and consulted with others and simply refused to say when. Until it is finally time to say when.

You keep the ball in play; you still have one more out, one more strike; there is still enough time on the clock; the race is not yet over; you are just one shot or one pass or one catch away from victory. Or at least getting the darn thing into overtime.

I presently have too many issues to list but none is so insurmountable that I am willing to now say when. It is harder, as I mentioned, to accept issues brought upon your children or perhaps brought on by your children.

You try to help but fail. Often you fail because they simply refuse your help. And that hurts and aggravates but it is part of the plan.

You learn to live with it and let them go on to live their own lives that come, with no exception, replete with their own set of problems to solve.

You stand by willing and wanting and able to help but are quite often not called upon.

You sit on the bench just waiting to get into the game. But you are ready.

You are always ready.

Aintgonna&Dontwanna

Jibberish Personal No Comments

 

I need some more java but ain’t gonna get up to get it. Let it come out here to me.

Like to get back to sleep but ain’t gonna cuz sleep just stays away from me.

Hope that the world will be better today in a lot of different ways but it probably don’t wanna be. Why should it change just for me?

Wishin I could be a better husband and dad- I dowanna do that- but somehow just keep losing ground on that every way, every day. Dowanna but willnotta unless I can figure out a better way. What I’m doing just ain’t workin.

Shouldoughta be workin but ain’t doin that no way. Why should I change just for what?

Been down and dontwanna get up sometimes. And, lately, even if I dowanna I find that I still aintgonna. Just too easy to stay down and too damn hard to get up.

Justwanna crawl down and get into a fetalized position and let the world and the day pass on by without me in it or on it or by it or with it. Go all porcupine until the scare and the fear and the frustration just get on away from here, from me.

Get up and get out but dontwanna. Rise up and strike out but aintgonna. Ain’t got the strength and sure as hell ain’t got the support anymore. Just ain’t no one left to run with anymore. No not no more.

When I was a kid if I didntwanna I still hadda because, well, just because. Datsdat. Dat was dat. Sometimes no choices is a good way to go. You either have only one way or no way to go. The lack of choice can sure make life a lot easier.

Dontwanna and/or aintgonna is my new creed. Chossing nothing is sure a great choice. I like it and that will be the new me no matter what. Just gonna.

No choice inside of no choices. No light in the darkness. No hope in despair and no fight left down on the canvas. Just wait for the bell and get out of the ring.

Yep, that’s the new me. So if you’ll excuse me I’m justgonna cuz I kindawanna and there just ain’t no other way to go it seems to me.

Nope, not anymore.

Halloween

Personal No Comments

 

Gonna be a miserable day for the kids around these parts to go out trick-or-treating later on- cold, windy…they say there might even be some snow flurries. It’s too early for that. Or is it?

Gonna be a rather sad day for us as parents. Seems at times like we are losing control of our kids and I suppose that is somewhat normal with teenagers but it was never supposed to happen with ours. Last night was one of the worst nights we have had yet and it seems like it is a never-ending struggle.

Mixed in with all if this is yet another super-wonderful youth sports experience for our boys. There are a lot of thoughts and feelings on this but I need not bring those to light here. Not just yet. For the most part they are hanging tough and trying to do the right things in the right way so that just has to, yet again, run its course. On all of that I am proud of them for sure.

Oh, to be sure, there are some good things happening but we always seem to gravitate toward the negative don’t we? I guess that’s pretty much human.

So today is the last day in October and almost all that I had planned to get accomplished this month remains uncompleted. Well, that’s not completely true but pretty close. I am not being lazy; maybe just inefficient. Maybe just too much on my plate or just a lack of focus.

I have always loved Halloween although it marks the end of my favorite month and pretty much signals the coming of winter. I have some stuff to get finished outside before it gets too cold but I am running out of time.

Time is also running on (maybe not out?) for our family. It runs on and I try to catch up to it but am failing, I am falling. I feel that my kids are moving away from us too quickly. Such movement is normal, of course, but it just seems that it is happening too damn fast and our reaction to things and decisions are made too hastily and, too often no doubt, incorrectly.

Sometimes I wish that we had had more kids. Seems to me that there is a benefit in going through the whole process a few times so that you can finally get it down, get it together. Trial and error…and error…and error. And then more trials and many more errors.

Maybe I worry too much but I don’t know. This stuff all seems to follow a pattern and that pattern has been established for some time now and no matter what we do it seems to persist and grow stronger. Maybe there is still a solution. It might not be a complete solution but could still be a best solution.

For now, for today, for this Halloween and beyond I just need to stay calm and focus on just the most important things.

This may sound selfish but here is an idea. For a long time I have stayed mainly focused on others and maybe it is better to shift some of that attention back to myself. That way I will have a better chance to get more of what I need to get done, done; that way I will manage to leave other things that can be left alone, alone. That may indeed be the best, or at least a better, approach might you not agree?

Had to take a break to take the dogs out this early morning. It’s Halloween. It’s snowing.

Yes, snowing. It is cold and snowing.

The family is up and in the kitchen. In there it is not snowing.

But it sure seems to be pretty damn cold.

Sombero

Personal Reflections & Memories No Comments

 

Another early morning. A cup of coffee and the news. And, of course, the faithful old computer.

I ponder on so many things and I worry on many others. I wonder on what the big plan is and if there even is one.

I look outside this Fall morning and I see darkness and I hope and trust that before long day will bring the light. And along with the light will come new hope for me and my family.

Still, it is dark and I am tired.

My family seems to be mostly all that I have and that is really just fine with me but, still, I must be careful. Some time, not now long enough in the future and likely too soon upon us, our boys will be off and on their own. As it should be, as it has always been, I know. Normal and right but sad nonetheless. I think about all of the time that has passed and all of the things that I did not do with my boys when they were younger. Then I think that, still, we did a lot. I know I never actually did my best but I also know that there were many times that I tried.

I’m wondering how long I have left in this world but I really try not to think about it too often. What I truly think about is how I might still leave a mark upon this world. My own mark upon the world. In some small but significant way leave a trace that I was here. That seems simple and honest enough.

I think about my father and his legacy and realize it was just left, as it was, with his children. Beyond us it dies. I try to pass along what I can to my kids but since they never met him it is unlikely that they will carry much of what he ever was along with them into what they will themselves become. His memory fades with the passing of each person who knew him and that too is sad.

What can I do to leave something more than passing relationships and words to my children in this world?

Don’t get me wrong, my life and its efforts are very much focused upon my kids and I do all that I can to help them, to provide for them, to open up as many opportunities as possible for them to succeed in their own lives, today and tomorrow, but I have always wanted to do more. You know, personally.

Who can ever know or precisely define the rise and fall of a life? Who knows the point at which it tips from the former to the latter? Just how much time is left to me from this still-dark morn until the very moment of my own passing?

We have our problems and there are probably too many times that I may think that life kinda sucks but I can’t afford to be that way. I really can’t. Not for myself and not for my wife and boys. I still believe in how much life has to offer, especially for them.

And, hopefully, still, for me.