Once, a long time ago, it mattered.  But that too passed.

My desire to be something that is no longer possible to be has not diminished the feeling.  It is as it had always been and will most likely still be so tomorrow, faded and worn, tattered and torn.

“It’s the only real time that I feel alive” she confessed in the heat of that moment, her face alive as it had never seemed to me to ever be.  And even that changed with time.  The memory of her dies a little more with each coming and going of the day.  Any day.  Every day.

I sit here so very early in the morning yet again and wonder yet again what this day will hold yet again.  And once I think I know just enough to rise and face the day my mind goes blank and all else fades yet again except for the fear of the morning and the fear of the day.

But I don’t retreat and I don’t shy away from what I need to do and I don’t sit and whine about needing more from those who owe me not a single thing.  That would be wrong.

And I don’t assume the world will be kind to me or have to treat me in any certain way.  Just treat me perhaps as you would yourself want to be treated.  Is any one really better than the best?

And while I hope my family will be there for me when the day winds down it is really me who needs to be there for them.  And I try to be, there for them, but am too often not- not enough anyhow- and that too is just fine if they manage to somehow survive my shortcomings..

But who do I go to when I need that adjustment?  Who can hold the concern that I may need?  And is it selfish to ask for such a thing?

Perhaps.  But maybe not.  Who knows.

I guess that a goodly number of us do the best that we can with that which we have and those who we love and, we surely always hope, those who also love us in return.

When did adolescent angst end and young adulthood confidence arrive?  And then when did that pass into complacency and further still into the terror of the coming end?

Sometimes I just don’t get it, this life.  But then, who cares?  Life was not passed to me so that I could understand.  I’m not sure why it is given but once given it should be lived don’t you think?

I guess I’ve tried to live it and even done some good and some exciting things.  It has rarely been too dull but about average in its dullness.  And now I move on.

Things change and people sometimes do as well but, mostly, we are somewhat predetermined I believe and then shaped further by that and those around us.  So maybe we have no choice but to be who we are even as we struggle mightily to be who we think we want to be, who we think we can be.

Do we even have a chance to get there?

Who knows.  Some would say yes and some would say no. As for me I just don’t know.

And it’s still killing me.

“Sure” she answered as she shifted to get more comfortable.  “She’s been around since as long as I can remember.”

“Yeah, since you were born” I said.  “What do you remember?”

“That she was gentle and talked kindly to me.  That she seemed to really like me and was glad to see me when she would visit.”

“And did you notice any changes in her over time?” I asked.

“Sure” she answered “but not in those earlier days- maybe more in the last two or three years.”

“What did you notice?”

“That she moved slower and seemed to have some troubles seeing, more all the time.  A few times I think I might have startled her when I walked up, maybe even scared her a bit and I never meant to do that.”

“Did she act scared?”

“Now that you mention it the last couple times I saw her she did appear scared.  And sad, she seemed very sad” she responded.  I could tell some of this conversation might be starting to bother my girl a bit but I just needed to know.

“How do you know?” I continued.

“Well, I just have a sense for these things, for knowing when people are good or bad, kind or mean, healthy or hurt, happy or sad.  I know when they are and aren’t scared.  And she just seemed scared.  Terrified almost.”

“Of what though?”

“I think it was that she was scared of what was starting to happen to her.  Sometimes it was anger but mostly fear.  Maybe it was that she was scared of the unknown, of what was happening and what was still going to happen.  I think she knew she was fading and couldn’t stop it, any of it.  And more than anything I think she was scared and sad that she was losing the ability to see” she explained, wise as her years may allow.  So perceptive.

“So she was sad?”

“Sure. One son had died and another had surgery for cancer.  She’d lost her husband years and years ago and a couple siblings and also many friends.  The life she had been a part of must have seemed like something in the past, something she would never regain no matter what, and she was, well she was so terrified of, well dying. It was obvious to me.”

“I guess I should have seen it to” I said.  “I knew what was happening- I had seen it when my dad started to fade but I was so far away and things in my own life seemed so much more important.  I didn’t make it back before he passed.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah.  And she had always been good to our family hasn’t she?”

“From what I know and what you’ve told me, yep.”

“She was a surrogate grandma for our boys since they were born.  They called her ‘Granny Peg’ from the time they could first speak” I remembered sadly.

“They did seem to get along very nicely.  And she always had a kind word and hand for me.”

“Sure.  She sure did” I said.

“She did?”

“Yep, she did.  She’s passed away” I suddenly confessed.

“Oh no, that’s so sad to hear.  Did you see her?”

“No, not since the Christmas before last when you saw her too” I said, sadly.

“Why not?”

“I keep asking myself the same question” I answered.  “But like with my dad I just don’t have a good answer.  Maybe I just don’t like death either.”

“Me neither” she said as she got up from her bed slowly and with more than a little effort.  As she began to walk she did so with a limp on her back leg and she seemed to struggle to see the floor so moved along slowly and carefully.

She was aging and we both knew it but we didn’t talk about it.  So was I, I suppose.  I wanted to help her but couldn’t.  I hoped someone one day would help me but realized they couldn’t.  But a simple visit and a kind word might go a long way.

If only I had considered doing the same for Granny Peg.

As my girl limped away, all four legs seemingly giving her problems, she stopped and looked back with her fading eyes and seemed to smile a smile not of happiness but rather a knowing and somewhat sad and resigned smile.

“It’s too bad, I liked her.  She was a nice lady” she said as she moved slowly off.

“Yes she was” I thought to myself, “yes she was.”

Woke up.

Got out of bed.

The rest is known to most with half a head.

Me? Well, I still got a roof over my head and a house to hold it up. But that house is costing more each day and it hurts to think of, well, so much stuff.

Why do I never sleep? Why can’t I at least find some peace in sleep?

But there are them that got it worse- some a lot more worse. Than me; than you.

I have changed and I don’t really like where I have gone when I take the time to take note. And this early morning with maybe more rain on the way is one of those times when I take note.

We can’t change too much too quickly and sometimes not much at all. But we can always try to get back to what we once were or redirect toward what we wanted to be, can’t we?

Yes? No? Ah…maybe.

I have lived. But just a life. A normal and, some might say, boring life. But I never tried or meant to hurt anyone and I mostly try to do the best that I can and I mostly try to do the right thing. At least as I define it.

Yes, I did wake up and sometimes that is half the battle.

And, yes, I did get out of bed. And the battle rages on.

But then what?

Move on I guess and get things done. Check them off the list. Oh, wait…I think I need a new list.

Life is a wonderful thing is it not? All the ground that we cover; all the years and the places and the faces and the memories that grow, linger, and then fade…all for some purpose perhaps or maybe toward no end at all. Linger and drift and fade away.

Sigh.

Too early and not enough sleep. Health is important if you plan to stay healthy. Mine needs improvement.

How did so much get by so quickly? My kids are not really kids anymore and all those things I put off doing with them when they were 4 or 6 or 8 or 10 just can’t be done anymore. Not now, not for some time now. Why did I let the time slide by?

Yeah, there is no time like the present.

I want to get things right before I die. I’m not sure what that exactly means but I really need to start figuring it out. Better than I have been lately; better than I ever have before.

There is no time like the present unless you live in the past or are always looking for the future, waiting for a better tomorrow that may never come.

And nothing ever a given man.

One day you will not wake up and you will not get out of bed. Just get put in the ground and all you did and left behind from that moment on will linger and drift and then fade away.

So make it the present. Make it now. Make it today. I need to change and I need to start here and now.

Cuz the me that I see is not the me I wanted to be.

This guy? No way. He just ain’t me.

When I was eleven years old my mother died from cancer. She had first contracted it some five years earlier and, in those days, the treatments were not nearly as effective as they are today. She lived with the knowledge that she was dying for a long time but rarely seemed to give in to it except on a few occasions. Still, I knew. And I prayed to take some of her sickness away but she died anyway.

Why she had to die so young I could not understand. I did not know then and I still do not know to this day.

We left my childhood neighborhood when I was thirteen and moved in with my grandmother. My life had gone off in a different direction than it would have if my mother had lived and if our neighborhood had not declined and forced us into moving. What it would have been otherwise or if either or both had not happened I could not know and never will.

I almost attended the University of Notre Dame but could not manage it financially. I went instead somewhere else to pursue a degree in accounting. I changed my major to engineering and wound up taking a job in the far south almost completely by the phantom hand of serendipity. It was thusly so.

Had I wound up in accounting or working somewhere else my life would have doubtless been different and it wound up moving down a path that was determined in such brief moments defined by such time-driven decisions. Do it differently? Why? Why not?

That too, I will never know.

So on life went and I along with it. To where I entered into and faded or fell out of several romantic relationships only to find myself older and convinced I would never marry and never have a family, both things that I knew I wanted but did not know how to go about getting. Mostly my fault but chance and fortune still played their hands. And what would have been my life had I married one of those past flames is anyone’s guess. I have no guess. I can only imagine but can never really know.

Again, mainly by chance, I found myself with my love and the woman I would marry and it all seemed to finally make sense as I realized it was not too late to have the life I had always wanted when I got older. And I had thought myself too old and past the point of no return but luck and fortune, and maybe the Lord’s blessing, brought me once again full into the always-flowing stream that is this life.

How and when and why… What if, and how so and why not…

Dunno, dunno, dunno. Never did and never will.

My father passed away from cancer a month before I was married. He died the night I landed at the airport. I had talked to him on the phone twice on the days before he died but I could have. Should have, returned a day earlier and had the chance to say good-bye in person to the man who had fathered and raised me and to whom I owed so much. I should have talked with him more, visited more often, done more for him…so sadly I do not know why I did not but I cannot change any of that now.

Still, at that time, I felt fortunate and filled with life and, then, blessed even further with children. I always loved kids and thought I would make a good father and now that my kids are older I suspect that I have faltered and failed more than not but I also know that I can never give up trying to be better. Never. That much I aver, that much I do know.

A better father, a better husband, a better friend, a better person. Always move forward, that much I know. I guess I always have.

So now time wanes a bit yet I still feel somehow so alive and energized.

And still, then, the things less fortunate, much more sad than not. I have not spoken with my sister in many years or with my brother for many more. Why not?

I struggle now with the raising of my own children and feel at times that I want to just give up. Why?

The relationship with my wife after so many years seems more strained at times than it should and I ask why there as well.

My future is uncertain but still I try to take the best approach and move forward. Always move forward. That much I do truly know.

The rest, well, I just don’t know and never will I suppose.

Is that just life and the living of it? Maybe not for all but probably so for most I suppose.

Still, even with that, I just don’t know.

Will this day be my last? How many more days do I have here?

Yeah, I know….

There has to be a way, I just know it. Right?

Once upon a time everything seemed better and our worries and frustrations may not have been fewer but they somehow seemed farther in between. And, further still, it somehow seemed easier to see beyond the problems of today.

There was always the weekend. There was always a way. Maybe because there seemed to be will to find one.

I am tired. We are all tired. And that is no excuse but I know that things might not seem as dire with the blessing of a good night’s sleep behind me. That really sounds so good yet so permanently elusive.

So much had happened over time, over life, over so many people now no longer in the mix.

Why must it rain again, on Monday?

So much to do, as always, and so precious little time, as always again. Where do I start and where does it end?

What has happened to this world? What can I do about it?

What has happened to this country and why do far too many seem okay with where we have fallen?

What has happened to our children and what will their futures be like? Who will hold them and comfort them when we no longer are?

What has happened to my dreams and all the things in life that I once thought might be?

Here on the weekend but fading by Sunday eve.

Gone in the wink or blink of an eye and likely to never come back by again. You missed that bus; that ship has sailed; the team has gone on without you.

I have very few things that I still care about and those few (and very far between) seem under duress on a regular basis. The fact that there are few is not really all that depressing or maybe even surprising to me but the fact that it has become so hard to manage what remains is much more than disturbing.

By Sunday night sleep should come but seldom does. In the middle of the night the worries come and stay, planted as if to remain forever.

By Sunday night the weekend and the dreams are gone.

And all that remains is to stumble out of bed the very next day and realize that it has all begun again whether you wanted it to or not.

And while this day, this very day, will for sure wend on and more than likely new things will arise you will be left with little more than the knowledge that all is the same as it was and perhaps all that has changed is the fact that it is now later on this Monday.

The clouds burn away as the sun also rises. All is cool but warming, all alive but still. Man continues his unending search for meaning…still.

Where is all of this headed? It takes on so much more when it is brought so close to home. I was happy once and may perhaps be there once again before I go. May it perhaps be so?

Someday all that never came may come and all who were never served may be served and those left for unhappy may hear a heartbeat beating yet again. All may not be lost.

I journey back to the emptiness of youth when life is first cast before the eyes clothed in simple reality and the dreams and hopes are assigned within the heart and soul to a lesser place. Some see past this while others never do.

I confronted such challenges and believed, to the degree within me possible, that I had overcome…or at least bypassed…the tests that came. Spirits have a way of rising again, as the sun, as do we also until we do no more.

Spectres challenged but not erased and no longer apt to remain in darkness, hiding. Emboldened by our weakness and the passing of our years they regain their strength to face us down yet again.

But here, now, beyond the battle, in advance of that foe, there no longer remains the hunger and unknowing interest in what may lie beyond the lines which they so endlessly protect.

Here, now, after so long in the fight we are no longer blessed by ignorance. Now, we are fully aware of what is no longer ahead and beyond but is, rather, here and perhaps even behind.

The fight is rejoined but not without the desire once given us. We seem devoid of that passion and commitment. Life can seem so lifeless at those times.

Advancing or advanced, we are now so wise and unimpressed and, yes, afraid I fear. This is where our lives have led us to and left us with, some would say only if we allow it to be so, but not allowing it does not make it go away. Closing your eyes does not make the ghosts disappear.

It just may seem so or be hoped to be so.

The sun rises higher still and all about now stirs and returns to life or to the living. Memories and recollections of things past may return and may this day embrace or encumber us but in residence they remain, alive and faintly palpable.

So the sun rises and so too will it set. On this day and those ahead both like and unlike it will rise and it will set.

Until that day unique and reserved for each of us when, perhaps within full view of our spectres and our past, it will do neither any longer.

Silence comes at last to those who wait..even ghosts eventually move on.

Lots of possible reasons for this I imagine and if I could isolate the main ones then maybe I could chase the blues away.  

But it ain’t really just one.

I am at the time in life when there is more to think back on than likely lies ahead. This is most certainly true at my age but no real excuse, just maybe an accelerant for what lies beneath. From the embers rise the flames.

I don’t think I have composed too many happy posts here on this release site and for that I hold more than a little regret and am more than truly sorry. For I have been happy often and I would have to say that I still mostly am but still there lingers that melancholy feeling that I am fairly sure most out there have had and do have from time to time.

It too often returns too often these days so it seems.

I was, in the past, often complemented on my ability to maintain myself in difficult circumstances and situations but it gets harder, a lot harder, when others are involved. And I guess I cannot control what is not really mine to control even if I could but I feel bad when I fail to be able to even influence it ever slightly so.

I have tried and I have failed and the time to fix that or try again is growing shorter with each passing year; maybe now even with each passing month and week. The clock ticks and little seems to change for the better at times it seems to me.

Ah, me. Maybe just feeling sorry for myself and not sure how to get out of the funk. A few good moments might help. Just a little more than a little bit I would guess.

I don’t have it so bad but does that really matter at times like these?

You just feel stuck and helpless and, in the end, rather damn useless to yourself and to everyone else. It just don’t seem to matter all that much anymore.

When I was younger and I was in a teen funk I would write and listen to music and maybe read or do something to pull myself up and it always worked.

Right now I am writing- here- and I am listening to some music and I hope it can again work to lift my failing spirit.

But still I hide and too often I remain angry at those around me for things that maybe they cannot control either.

Maybe we have no influence or much say whatsoever on any of all of this. Sometimes it just is and at other times it just is not. Which will make you happier?

Sometimes life is just life I guess and you can’t do much more than live to see and fight another day.

Maybe soon that day will again arrive for me and for all of us.

Maybe on that day I can be happy for more than just a little while.