When’d We Die?

 

There can be no real debate remaining towards the arrival of our imminent demise can there be?

You can feel it in the cafes at night, there’s revolution in the air. And it ain’t the good kind.

In fact, can you name for me more than three “good” revolutions? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

It’s everywhere and it is brought upon us in so many insidious ways along so many invidious fronts. The folks on the other end of the gun don’t know, maybe don’t care. But the folks on the other side of the plan know full well and have been planning for a long, long time.

C’mon man, you have to see it- it’s everywhere. Not long ago it was there but nowhere and now it is everywhere.

When did we all get so sloppy and lazy and not give a crap about anything much other than “what’s in it for me?” followed shortly by “what’s on TV tonight?” Dress sloppy, look shitty…act accordingly.

Where is the pride in a job well-done by me but maybe for someone else?

When did we start to stop caring about spending money that isn’t ours and that we don’t really have anyhow?

When did Christianity become so evil and Islam so good? Whose heads are rolling? When the hell did God leave the building?

When did color of skin supersede content of character? You all like to quote the words and then not live up to the intent.

When did it become so cool to throw open our borders and despise our police?

At what point did we all agree that we have to celebrate two lovers of the same gender and accept their union as traditional marriage?

Where are our birth rates at these days?

What happened to the family?

How are our schools doing? When did the liberal-progressive faction consume our institutes of higher learning and why do we allow them to continue to digest and defecate our young? Younger still every year…

When did free speech become free only when pre-approved?

At what exact point did personal freedoms give way to government decrees?

How much did you get for your soul and how much did you pay for mine?

When do those who once spat on our soldiers throw open their arms in embrace? And, even more importantly, why? They always have motives.

Once you are so easily put at ease you just as well might be put at rest. Guard taken down is opportunity. Capitulation is so softly and easily sold and consumed.

How to fight any of this?

It has to start with our youth and we have to have the patience to allow it to grow back from there.

I had an eastern redbud once that the local horticulturist insisted was dead- likely educated at one of our fine universities. I otherwise learned to cut it back all the way to the main stems, the still-living wood, and perhaps pray. Sun and water help as well.

It quickly and amazingly became one of the largest and most beautiful shrubs in our yard. It’s still there and still beautiful.

Sometimes it can be that easy- you just have to be aggressive with the shears.

Maybe all revolutions ultimately fail but maybe they just need to be revived from time to time.

 

The Great Flattener

 

When it ain’t fizzy it’s flat.  So a wise soda jerk once told me years ago.

And now I know it better than ever.

When you tire of running you slow down and maybe even stop for a while to rest and catch your breath (interesting little expression don’t you think?) and wait until you can walk or maybe even run again.

But what to do when you fall flat and face down on the cold, hard ground in late winter?  Barely clothed and alone, in the middle of somewhere you never been before, hoping for a place to crawl off to and wait until things get better.

Things get better. Things getting better- just like the always do.

But they seldom do unless you happen to muster enough strength to rise up and continue on until…well, until what?

I know that I don’t know- do you perhaps?  Would you share if you did? Maybe just tell me a story like that soda jerk.

The years, yes, we know, they do fly by and leave us older and not always wiser.  And, if wiser, then to what end?  Don’t know that either.  Hell, I don’t seem to know very much it sorta seems.

The same soda jerk went on much to my chagrin. He told me how when it was flat most folks just wanted to pour it out and either get the glass re-filled or just move on about their business still thirsty but not having time to do much about it. Damned if they done did; damned if they done did not.

Now what the hell did all that mean?

I wish that I could see that wise guy again someday before too long has passed on by me. When too long passes by too short is all that’s left. When the glass passes from mostly filled to mostly empty there ain’t no longer any fancy words about “half this” or “half that”. Only those bullshitters who might tell you- y’know, like the soda jerk- that “it ain’t gone til it’s empty” or “small sips make it last longer”.

Yeah. So?

We‘ve been over this. And yet still I hear the words of the soda jerk as he wipes the counter:

“So the secret is to just take big swigs when it’s filled up and fizzy cuz if you wait too long the Great Flattener comes along and takes all that fizz away and leaves you with just the flat.”

So I remember looking kinda cock-eyes at him and giving him a mixed mad-hunh?-pained kinda smile. He smiles back and finishes wiping the counter and grabs holda my glass.

“Syrup sucks man. Guess you waited too long and it so happened you done got flattened.”

I was ready to explode.

“Looks like he got you too.”

With all I had I reached back and took a swing but he had vanished. I did manage to knock over the glass and spill out the fizz-less, foam-less, froth-less filmy fill that had remained. No bubbles, just flat.

What a jerk.

 

I Just Don’t Know

 

When I was eleven years old my mother died from cancer. She had first contracted it some five years earlier and, in those days, the treatments were not nearly as effective as they are today. She lived with the knowledge that she was dying for a long time but rarely seemed to give in to it except on a few occasions. Still, I knew. And I prayed to take some of her sickness away but she died anyway.

Why she had to die so young I could not understand. I did not know then and I still do not know to this day.

We left my childhood neighborhood when I was thirteen and moved in with my grandmother. My life had gone off in a different direction than it would have if my mother had lived and if our neighborhood had not declined and forced us into moving. What it would have been otherwise or if either or both had not happened I could not know and never will.

I almost attended the University of Notre Dame but could not manage it financially. I went instead somewhere else to pursue a degree in accounting. I changed my major to engineering and wound up taking a job in the far south almost completely by the phantom hand of serendipity. It was thusly so.

Had I wound up in accounting or working somewhere else my life would have doubtless been different and it wound up moving down a path that was determined in such brief moments defined by such time-driven decisions. Do it differently? Why? Why not?

That too, I will never know.

So on life went and I along with it. To where I entered into and faded or fell out of several romantic relationships only to find myself older and convinced I would never marry and never have a family, both things that I knew I wanted but did not know how to go about getting. Mostly my fault but chance and fortune still played their hands. And what would have been my life had I married one of those past flames is anyone’s guess. I have no guess. I can only imagine but can never really know.

Again, mainly by chance, I found myself with my love and the woman I would marry and it all seemed to finally make sense as I realized it was not too late to have the life I had always wanted when I got older. And I had thought myself too old and past the point of no return but luck and fortune, and maybe the Lord’s blessing, brought me once again full into the always-flowing stream that is this life.

How and when and why… What if, and how so and why not…

Dunno, dunno, dunno. Never did and never will.

My father passed away from cancer a month before I was married. He died the night I landed at the airport. I had talked to him on the phone twice on the days before he died but I could have. Should have, returned a day earlier and had the chance to say good-bye in person to the man who had fathered and raised me and to whom I owed so much. I should have talked with him more, visited more often, done more for him…so sadly I do not know why I did not but I cannot change any of that now.

Still, at that time, I felt fortunate and filled with life and, then, blessed even further with children. I always loved kids and thought I would make a good father and now that my kids are older I suspect that I have faltered and failed more than not but I also know that I can never give up trying to be better. Never. That much I aver, that much I do know.

A better father, a better husband, a better friend, a better person. Always move forward, that much I know. I guess I always have.

So now time wanes a bit yet I still feel somehow so alive and energized.

And still, then, the things less fortunate, much more sad than not. I have not spoken with my sister in many years or with my brother for many more. Why not?

I struggle now with the raising of my own children and feel at times that I want to just give up. Why?

The relationship with my wife after so many years seems more strained at times than it should and I ask why there as well.

My future is uncertain but still I try to take the best approach and move forward. Always move forward. That much I do truly know.

The rest, well, I just don’t know and never will I suppose.

Is that just life and the living of it? Maybe not for all but probably so for most I suppose.

Still, even with that, I just don’t know.

Will this day be my last? How many more days do I have here?

Yeah, I know….

Free Lee eddy Kated

 

There was a choice to be choosed but they didn’t let no one choose it because it was a choice and they don’t like choices. Not no more no how. Better to lead ‘em to where they need to be and not to where they’d want to go.

If they’d had that choice an’ all.

Bingo the dog loved Bilbo the parrot but no one let on that was where thing’s had got off to. They jus said that it’s all klinda fair and allowed and no one, not the cat, not the hamster, not the fish in the nice big tank over yonder at that big house, not even the mate of Bingo’s other side had much say on it. No rules and no rules ‘ceptin agin choice an’ all. Choosen’s bad I gess.

Gather ‘em up and bring ‘em in and make sure they just barely had enuf t’eat cuz the feed was runnin’ kinda low. Best not to let on tho cuz there could be some trouble if they sensed, as animals is sometime liken t’do, that there was somthin not all that right and that things might jus be a lil bit worse come the next day or may be it was the day after that.

But the only choice they had they choosed and that was the choosen of the feed that there was. Eat it and get a few minutes of rest from yer achin’ belly and bulging eyeballs.

Nah, we ain’t them kinda sheep but them others, well they jus might be and y’know I kinda feel a bit sorry for ‘em. They got no choice to be choosen at all. That there flickerin’ flame done flickered it’s last flame a long enuf time ago.

Back when the choosen was not all gone. Back when it was ok fer a man or a woman to think fer themselves.

Not today tho, no, not here and not now and prob’ly not really never agin. Life has done gone on and all the choosen is chosen and all the dreamin’ is dreamed and all the freedom that was done been given out and ain’t here no more. Not here and sure no not no more no how.

But they still sayin they eddicatin’ folks and that them folks get a free one at that. No need to pay no money even if there was anymore any money to be payen. Gone too, like the rest of that there stuff we knowed from them we don’t know longer be needin.

Kinda hard to remember this writin stuft- been so long since I used it that I done forgot mostly how it sets up an’ all. Kids don’t even know nothin’ bout it and not even how to write the name we’d given them fore’n that too was taken way. No names no more no way no how, not here no more no more.

And I hear it telled that them folks that get that freely eddication blessin’ don’t end up doin’ much wit it no hows. They jus say they got it and someone else tell them that’s all good an’ stuff but now they owed a lot back and they needed to pay fer it that way and not with that money that ain’t round here no more no how. No sur, not here.

Some sez you got to let ‘em take seize o yer soul but I don’t know much ‘bout that.

They took all dem souls and stuff away even fore the money.

“So went goes the soul so doth go den the money too” I ‘member the man sayin. And he sure nuff meant it I think. Seem smart an’ all.

Cuz it sure nuff is what come to be all that be true here now today and ain’t no choosen goin’ on no how bout any of it. N’er a lick, not here, no how. Not no more.

 

Later Monday

 

There has to be a way, I just know it. Right?

Once upon a time everything seemed better and our worries and frustrations may not have been fewer but they somehow seemed farther in between. And, further still, it somehow seemed easier to see beyond the problems of today.

There was always the weekend. There was always a way. Maybe because there seemed to be will to find one.

I am tired. We are all tired. And that is no excuse but I know that things might not seem as dire with the blessing of a good night’s sleep behind me. That really sounds so good yet so permanently elusive.

So much had happened over time, over life, over so many people now no longer in the mix.

Why must it rain again, on Monday?

So much to do, as always, and so precious little time, as always again. Where do I start and where does it end?

What has happened to this world? What can I do about it?

What has happened to this country and why do far too many seem okay with where we have fallen?

What has happened to our children and what will their futures be like? Who will hold them and comfort them when we no longer are?

What has happened to my dreams and all the things in life that I once thought might be?

Here on the weekend but fading by Sunday eve.

Gone in the wink or blink of an eye and likely to never come back by again. You missed that bus; that ship has sailed; the team has gone on without you.

I have very few things that I still care about and those few (and very far between) seem under duress on a regular basis. The fact that there are few is not really all that depressing or maybe even surprising to me but the fact that it has become so hard to manage what remains is much more than disturbing.

By Sunday night sleep should come but seldom does. In the middle of the night the worries come and stay, planted as if to remain forever.

By Sunday night the weekend and the dreams are gone.

And all that remains is to stumble out of bed the very next day and realize that it has all begun again whether you wanted it to or not.

And while this day, this very day, will for sure wend on and more than likely new things will arise you will be left with little more than the knowledge that all is the same as it was and perhaps all that has changed is the fact that it is now later on this Monday.

Someday Morning

 

The clouds burn away as the sun also rises. All is cool but warming, all alive but still. Man continues his unending search for meaning…still.

Where is all of this headed? It takes on so much more when it is brought so close to home. I was happy once and may perhaps be there once again before I go. May it perhaps be so?

Someday all that never came may come and all who were never served may be served and those left for unhappy may hear a heartbeat beating yet again. All may not be lost.

I journey back to the emptiness of youth when life is first cast before the eyes clothed in simple reality and the dreams and hopes are assigned within the heart and soul to a lesser place. Some see past this while others never do.

I confronted such challenges and believed, to the degree within me possible, that I had overcome…or at least bypassed…the tests that came. Spirits have a way of rising again, as the sun, as do we also until we do no more.

Spectres challenged but not erased and no longer apt to remain in darkness, hiding. Emboldened by our weakness and the passing of our years they regain their strength to face us down yet again.

But here, now, beyond the battle, in advance of that foe, there no longer remains the hunger and unknowing interest in what may lie beyond the lines which they so endlessly protect.

Here, now, after so long in the fight we are no longer blessed by ignorance. Now, we are fully aware of what is no longer ahead and beyond but is, rather, here and perhaps even behind.

The fight is rejoined but not without the desire once given us. We seem devoid of that passion and commitment. Life can seem so lifeless at those times.

Advancing or advanced, we are now so wise and unimpressed and, yes, afraid I fear. This is where our lives have led us to and left us with, some would say only if we allow it to be so, but not allowing it does not make it go away. Closing your eyes does not make the ghosts disappear.

It just may seem so or be hoped to be so.

The sun rises higher still and all about now stirs and returns to life or to the living. Memories and recollections of things past may return and may this day embrace or encumber us but in residence they remain, alive and faintly palpable.

So the sun rises and so too will it set. On this day and those ahead both like and unlike it will rise and it will set.

Until that day unique and reserved for each of us when, perhaps within full view of our spectres and our past, it will do neither any longer.

Silence comes at last to those who wait..even ghosts eventually move on.

 

The Cackleant Mijority

 

Perjuring oneself has no true meaning if lying is no longer morally incorrect. It is the thing to do.

It is a brave and brand new world and as one who has come before might be expected to think, I do lately think that all is now cackled in complete abundance. They have emerged the victors.

What once seemed folly, then merely foolish, has turned to fact. For those seeking such an outcome, well, patience has surely prevailed and that outcome is what did, indeed, emerge from all that was their plan.

There is no longer the need for a majority in anything. Just a controlling interest that has, as its final objective, no objective beyond simple survival. Eat or be eaten. It used to be called a monopoly and was strictly guarded against but now such talk is no longer allowed. No competing viewpoints welcomed there.

Factions rule but with no power that is not given to them. Used, they betray little desire to rise above any of it. To exist and continue to do so. Eat or be eaten.

Individuals gather strength in the storm but it too is short-lived. Individuals are easily replaced in the new system and factions have no power other than that decreed upon them. Majorities do not rule as they are no longer recognized or given substance.

If a man had a word true to share and if that word was given boost by association within the group and if that group was further elevated by support within a larger and larger faction then, well, majority opinion was reached and opinion could then, by due process alone, become law and be dutifully adhered to by all.

No longer.

Eat or be eaten. Live and let die.

** ** ** ** * * * * * * *   *   *   *

Time has a way they say. Surely it must. All that has come before can come again, don’t you think? I did.

Eat or be eaten? Sure. That has always been the case- at least up until the time we decided to get civilized. Only the lowlier animals still follow that losing policy, yes?

What could possibly come of it? How might we better our condition other than by natural selection? It is they who hold so strictly that evolutionary postulate.

Why did I speak that way? Because I did not understand the words.

Why did I not follow the law? Because of how I was developed.

Why did I have no concern for what had come before? Because I want change.

Why did I have no idea of what might come then after? Because I really did not care to know. Or care at all.

Live and let die. Eat or be eaten.

Those who profess to care more really are those who have no room reserved to care less. They are the ones who eat. They live.

It is plain to see what has become. And even those who claim to resist do not. They simply profit in all ways possible.

Which is worse- the wolf that waits at the door; the one that hides along the path; or the one that bays at the moon? As far as I can tell each remains a wolf.

I no longer reside in a majority and I am most unwelcome in any faction. My individualism has been taken and I am left with little more than what they have given.

Eat or be eaten; live and let die.

Survival of the fittest is what they say.

Before we Began to Begin the Beguine

 

And there it went, in what seemed a flash.

Divide and conquer is surely a time-tested strategy that often always works. It pays to stick together it seems.

Once upon a time, maybe in the way-out west, there lived a country that housed some people who once believed in limited government and personal freedoms. The folks who ruled them indeed did not share these beliefs.

Such new and alien concepts were sacrosanct to them, so much so that the people chose to enact and protect those beliefs with a covenant that they called a “constitution.” And they signed up to make it so.

It was a very original and, at the time, very radical approach to forming a government that they begrudgingly knew must exist in order for them to preserve and protect their little country from those who would destroy it from without.

But then something happened. While the little country grew and became prosperous, time after time succeeding indeed in protecting itself from those who would work to destroy it from without, there arose a movement that sought to weaken and ultimately destroy it; from within. And no one knew why this would be so very much desired.

No one could actually and easily see just how this came to pass as it came to pass quite slowly and over time, based upon ideas of progress as envisioned far across the sea and far away from the place on this earth where this country resided.

The educators began to instill what the politicians and social proponents would strive so hard to enshrine completely. And still, few of the non-educated would take notice.

Until it was too late to turn back the tide, that is. It flooded over the poor little country in a flash. Some wiser voices rose in protest but it was by then far too late.

Government was expanded until it began to control every part of the people’s lives.

Programs were begun and expanded in the name and guise of social justice.

Minority positions took complete precedence over majority ones and special factions were stitched together politically to form an increasingly belligerence consensus.

Voters, while voting was still allowed, were found wherever and however possible. Thus remained in place the guise of a free republic, or, at the very least, the appearance of an open democracy.

Organizations that once worked as counter-balance and even ballast against the pounding waves of change-for-the-sake-of-change were attacked and ultimately disallowed and summarily dismantled.

This went straight to religious groups, youth organizations, opposing political parties, conservative educational institutions, and even so far as the family structure that had garnered the little country so well and for so long.

And there was often the evil specter of what was called capitalism which was savagely attacked, along with its resident organizations of large and small merchant businesses- corporations the large ones were called.

The community organization was formed but it was not so much a community as it was a stitching together of individuals who were only allowed to gather, to organize, to protest, and to speak out as so allowed by those in power and solely for the purpose of continuing the attack on the old and successful system.

Until those organizations were too no longer needed for any purpose and, at which point, they were also outlawed by decree.

Freedom had come and freedom had gone and in its place was rooted progress-for-the-sake-of-progress, taught at the youngest ages in what passed for schools, and later inculcated at the advancing ages in what passed for a freely chosen position in the community.

All that was needed was provided and when it was not available the definition of what was needed was simply changed so that it could still be satisfied by convenience by exactly what was provided. No more and officially no less.

No personal freedoms whatsoever remained; no right to speak freely; no right to arm oneself; no ability to teach other than that was allowed to be taught; no choice of a career or life calling beyond what was allowed and allocated; no ability to change was any longer allowed now that change had served the purpose for which it had been conjured up.

There was no God and there was no individual any longer.

The family unit was taken apart and trivialized in its importance until it no longer existed either. And this was the final and concluding death knell to what had been so long before.

And whether or not you were allowed to be born was based on the results of genetic analysis. Elimination became swift and easy and no longer objected to by anyone.

And when you were allowed to be treated for malady or disease was determined by a panel of the faceless and the nameless.

And where you were allowed to travel was indeed restricted. In fact most movement beyond that necessary to support the state was strictly prohibited.

And when the economics of things so dictated, the right to remain living beyond a certain point was finally removed. Birth rates and death rates become a model of efficiency and their projections a symbol for institutional exactness and accuracy.

It was indeed not really much of a surprise that, in the end of things, the little country that had been overtaken from within was then overtaken from without.

And it became, as with the other such little and obedient countries a simple part of the global community that has presided over what remains there are of this now-fading and falling planet known as Earth.

Even that was no longer an issue of any significance as those who ruled determined that in order to save that planet from extreme devastation, unavoidable conflagration, inescapable inundation, and all subsequent ruination that the simple elimination of the human infestation would lead to self-saving desolation.

And so it was to be.

This story is really much longer than related here and there is so much more detail but the fact of the matter is that there are few who care to listen any longer and fewer still who choose to care at all.

And so it is.

Unintrepidated

 

Intrepid means fearless. Fearless means having no fear; without fear.

Neither means me very much.

I guess that I am afraid of the normal things but, no, not death all that much though it does concern me. Maybe more so with the days going by.

As I gaze out the morning window at the morning sun on the chilled morning frost set down upon the field beyond my own event horizon my eyes are drawn upward and over to the trees that now barely screen the still-frozen pond that claimed the life of a neighbor just over three years ago.

He was skating and playing a little hockey with his teen-aged son. Just one more time before the ice had melted away. It had been warm and the ice was no longer strong enough so, simply, and so very sadly and abruptly, took away the likely many years that he had remaining to him by giving way and allowing him to drown somewhere beneath it.

And all right there in front of his son as they were having some fun together. One last time.

I doubt that he ever imagined that would be the way he would perish from this earth.

And still I can only cast imagination at what his son must still recall at wake or deep in sleep.

No, I fear not death at the present moment but, rather, it is life that leaves me far less than intrepid.

I’m not scared of life itself- I’m just scared that I will keep failing at it as I have done far too often these last several years.

Is that irrational or just being too damn self-absorbed?

Gotta be one or the other.

This, all on a chilled and faceless morning when all that could be will not be and all that might still be likely cannot be. Unless I somehow make it so.

Is that so hard to do? Is that too much to ask? Are we to expect less from ourselves than at least a hint at what the better and best souls through time have given over to their own brief existence? To be great or at least head off in that direction?

We should be better, we can be better. But still we rest not upon any laurels but upon the sad and still wanting of them. Cold, hard ground.

What to show as some visible and maybe even slightly important evidence that we not only existed- were and then were not- but that we lived to the fullest of at least one of our imagined capabilities.

What a world it would then could be and how much more happy and satisfied would then be all of us within it. Today and then onward.

I can be. You can be.

But we are not.

We remain much less than intrepid and would not think once about stepping out on to that ice as it continues to thin in the coming and warming sun of yet another day spent here in idling motion.

Even kinetics has its downtime I fear.

Shhh…they’hearya

 

Gotta type this as quiet as possible cause they gettin closer and I gettin short with the time. Used to be we was all free and could do and say what we wanted in a free country like this one we had here but not no more. Ain’t free and can’t say nothin but can still type. Not sure where these words goin’ but they gotta be goin’ somewhere I think just not sure where. Don’t know who might ever see em or hear what we had little left to say…they comin, I hear them and know they gettin closer all the time. Can’t find the keys and can barely see any of the words im tyin. No light, theyd see that and then I’m done. Gotta get my wits all round me and say somethin here but what what what!?!?. Its all over, there ain’t no one left no more I think its just me and they comin. What can I say to someone who might see all this years down from now? How to warn or how to get you to know all they did in just a few quick time years. Family gone, I don’t know where to and I ain’t seen the sunlite in could be years by now. Barely survivin and just tryin to make it another day but ain’t no more time. How did all this happen and how could it ever be changed- they control it all, ain’t nothin left to use to fight. No words no freedom no guns no ammunition no weapons and no people left to fight cuz they all been done away with in just a few short years. Me too soon too. Done and never knowin where my family went, not even sure how far I came from home when it was home all that long ago time ago. They won and the people just let em keep taking away things until freedom was all gone and no more. But what to say, how to warn. Man I hear them up there digging and talking and yelling. Men and dogs and some sort of engine noise like they diggin and diggin cuz they know I’m here even tho the sky don’t see me here but not sure how they know unless someone else knew and told em but who and what difference now? Read and be warned and try to hold on or fight even if you DIEd. Livin like all this ain’t livin and if we had only fought back or tried to sooner soon it was later and we were all done in real quick and quicker than the old ones thougth could be. They ran over us, through us, past us and some of us made it down here but it’s over, I’m all that’s left and they comin for sure…

gotta do what I never thought I could or would but they ain’t catchin me. Jus gotta find a place to leave this and hope one day but how or who don’t know just gotta go and hope there something is better over there on that side…no time.god bless any that’s left and any may come sometime to save what probly wont even be left no anyhow…shhhh..why…