I remain focused upon my resolve.

I have succeeded and I have failed. Certainly on the same day and even in the same hour. A few times in the same situation. But I remain resolved.

So much of how we react to things depends upon how we feel and how we approach every moment. I have to continue to try to get better sleep and also to get back to my workouts. When you feel better everything is easier to handle. Start by feeling better about yourself and you might be surprised how that carries over to how you deal with other people and situations. The reverse is also true so don’t go there!

Has my patience eroded with age?

Have I forgotten what it is like to be a teen-ager?

Did I have less “in my way” as a teen because my mom had passed away and my dad was at work a lot or certainly not deeply into “my stuff”? Perhaps. Well, yea.

I am not dead. I am not planning on getting there anytime soon though one never knows. I am learning to get more done in less time and once again to better manage my time. Each day offers us another chance to do something we need to do, want to do, or simply love to do.

I love my kids and I love my wife and I love our life though I know there are things that need to be changed or that can be improved. This is usually the case with any family isn’t it? So we just need to do what we can in that regard. Accentuate the positive and work to eliminate the negative.

“Resolution of happiness….Execution of bitterness…”

I want to do something radically different with my life (career) and while I have started in that direction by doing things like this endlessly unread blog I am stuck in between neutral and first gear though now finally heading in a better direction I believe. Just not able to get up to speed quite yet.

As with all things so with time will goodness come. I await it eagerly and know this to be true for if it isn’t then the alternative is hardly worth considering, is it?

I remain focused on my resolve and committed to pursuing my dreams after too many years of putting them aside. I know mostly what I want after now so many years spent spinning in some ways.

I remain fully committed to my family and devoted to doing what I can to help my country in what I consider to be one of her greatest times of need. The former is easy, the latter not quite so.

I welcome the blanket of peace and calm as it falls all about me. So much can it help me to cast off doubt and all things bad.

I welcome the aid of the divine in all endeavors but mostly in my efforts with my family. Effort does not seem quite the appropriate word there but I have no better one just now.

For in the end, when my time has come, what will be more important than that? What better way to try to leave a part of me, a part of the good part of me, to my children and any and all who may come after?

With God’s blessing I will not fail. I remain re-resolved in these things, this day and all days’ future.

Things get easier with time. It was a good day if not a great one. It was a day of no great shakes but also a day of no real regrets. Here initially I work for no regrets and rejoice when I encounter none.

If I can get things on the steady track then I would like to get back to more largely critical topics. That means topics of import regarding society, culture, and politics. The world has not improved much since I last spoke of her and this great country continues along what could be her ultimate demise but is at the very best certainly a slide toward something I fear and even know is worse still in the long run.

For what is worse: a good man who dies a premature death or a good man who is changed to evil? The contrast between life and death holds no candle to that between good and evil.

Enough on that for now. Back to me and my resolve.

Things are improving slowly and mainly with my approach and my attitude. Those are keys. Things do not just get better; they seem to get better and that alone can make people feel better and is rather then a self-activating catalyst. Perception is a very powerful influencer and can bring about some wonderful changes.

But it must be genuine at some point and not contrived. You can fake something at first until it fits a bit better but eventually it needs to become real in order to be of any significant benefit. You should believe and in believing the reality can change…for the better. And with that change can come more change.

What am I saying? Well, grab an idea or feeling you wish to pursue and just start out by doing what you can to move toward it and act, if you must, like that progress is happening. Put on that face; act as if you have “been there before.” Before very long the costume begins to fit a bit better and your surroundings feel a bit more comfortable, a bit more natural. And with those actuated feelings come more genuine ones. Self-fulfilling, self-propelling. Your boat, your motor.

It is Sunday and today I resolve to get as much done from my list as I can but I also resolve to continue along the renewed path I have attempted. No backsliding and no turning back. The shoes feel comfortable, the shirt and pants fit well; the day breaks out in sunshine after an overnight rainfall and it feels right, it feels as if I should be here. I feel more like I do belong and there is a purpose to me and to this life as I strive to live it.

I hope that this can spill over to the ones I love for that is the ultimate objective. All of this and the world not for me (though it will make me feel better, will indeed make me better) but for them.

Only then can I rise to meet the day and get on with what remains from God of my living here on this earth. I hope that the good times proceed with all further ado. We could all use better days.

Change continues to be hard but the last couple days have not been horrible. How is that for positive confirmation?

Missed an entry here because on Day Four the kids started summer vacation. This will be the real test as I am the one home with them all summer. That’s a lot of opportunities to do things right or to do things wrong and likely a mix of the two. Over the first two summer days that is exactly what has been the case.

We are shopping for new bikes; bikes worthy of a teenage boy. This is like pre-car syndrome so has been a challenge but I think we have reached some conclusion on what to purchase. Man have the prices on bikes gone way up.

Once they have the bikes I suspect that I will see a lot less of them around the house. This is of some concern as we live in a fairly isolated area. But they are older and can hang together and they do deserve some of the freedom that I enjoyed as a youngster. Freedom and trust have to come together along with responsibility. Besides, now there are phones so you can always maintain contact- that is if the battery holds enough charge after so much gaming and texting. Telephone is really a misnomer here.

Anyhow I also suspect that with the new-found freedom from the newly-purchased bikes will come some new trouble of sorts. Issues with going where they aren’t supposed to go; not returning when they are supposed to return; possibly getting hurt; or just getting into some sort of typical kid trouble. All of that comes with the turf I suppose. I hope that none of it is too bad and I hope that I can maintain my cool in most cases if not all.

There is plenty of music practice and lessons to keep them busy along with baseball games and practices. There will be a few sports camps and also a week long band camp. Maybe a short vacation stuck in there someplace.

I hope that it can be a good summer, a great summer, for all of us. I think that these are the ones that get remembered most when you get older so I would like to leave my sons with some pleasant memories of these times and their dad and their mom.

My God, next summer we will be facing high school just ahead. So quickly has it come, so swiftly has the time passed. I can remember summers in our old house and some of the fun things we did- on vacation, in the yard, at the parks, with first tricycles and training wheels, in the basement…

I’m not saying much here these days but am just trying to keep myself calm and collected and lined up to my new resolve to do just those things and do them better. So far I would rate my effort and results just a bit over average and I still need to do better.

There is still so much that I need to do better at, always…always.

Change is so very hard.

Seems that we all fall back on to our old ways and I am somewhat guilty of this as the third day passed.

No matter what it is that I do to try to motivate one of my sons he continues to not respond in a positive and committed fashion. This time I did not yell or get too angry- my wife did. His challenge was clear and accepted and he has not met it. He fails to live up to what he agreed to do and my wife is the one then overreacts (I did stay calm and I tried to diffuse things, I really did) and in the end it is me who is labeled as the bad guy in all of this. That alone is frustrating but I will accept it as part of my own responsibility.

Look, I have tried everything I can think of to help him- with his schooling, with his sports, with just everyday tasks but he continues to press back with some excuse or another as to why he can’t do something or why barely good enough is good enough. He is filled with a lot of capabilities and I fear many will simply fall by the wayside. His music is all that seems to motivate him to push toward excellence and maybe that is what will define him in the long run. That completely fine of course but, still, so much seems missed opportunity. Why not try your best to be your best at everything you do? Maybe it’s just all in the internal wiring.

I point out to my wife that it is not just me who has this struggle with him- there are others who encountered some of the same resistance and wound up just kind of giving up on him. He hits the bench or doesn’t get to play as much or play the positions that he would like to in sports or he stumbles in a particular class or on a test or project. It has continued to be me who does not give up on him; it has been me who continues to seek new ways to get him to get up on himself.  Yet I just can’t seem to reach him or to reach the part of him that would set off this internal drive.

And maybe in trying to do this I have done the wrong thing. I think that he just simply has to find his own way and decide what is worth working hard to obtain, to achieve. He is old enough now to understand that to gain something worth gaining you have to take on a lot of personal responsibility. No excuses. No one will accept them anyway. He is old enough but he either still doesn’t get this or just chooses to remain a child in this regard.

So the third day of my resolve included another large dose of challenge from inside the family and I maybe got an average grade in my response. But I did not lose control and I still have things pretty clearly in perspective.

At some point you can only lead the horse to water…

Beautiful morning after another just-okay night of sleep.

Day four of this personal journey. Please wish me luck.

A very challenging day for me began with the coffee maker not working. It just died. And things did not improve from there but I managed to overcome…for the most part. A challenging day but a very enlightening and successful one upon further review.

One son had a very good day with his music- no details needed here but let’s just say he was happy. And that is good to see.

The other son had a good game of baseball and he, too, was happy. That, too, good to see.

My wife seemed to have had a good day and was also happy. Very nice to see.

I would not say I was happy after all the issues I managed to encounter during the day, Tuesday, but I will definitely say that I am now happy that I managed to avoid most of the old responses. I simply took some breaths and bit the old lip and focused on the good, the positive. It really does work if you try hard. It seems to get a bit easier with each attempt.

There was much good in the day and it was a beautiful day given to us to appreciate and enjoy. I was quite proud of my sons this day and somewhat proud of myself. I realized how many things that tend me toward the negative are things that really are not important in the long or even the short run. They are just not worth the sweat. Breathe, breathe again, give it a few minutes and it is amazing how quickly it can all fade. Give it fuel and it will burn, sometimes way beyond our ability to control and then what is done, or said, is then done, or said.

So not a bad day- a test on restraint and control for me that I would give myself maybe a B-minus upon completion. Could be better and I will make every effort to make it so. It also could have been a lot worse and that is always the case no matter what happens. You know how that goes- never say that it can’t get much worse because it always can and sometimes does. But even that assessment sounds too negative to me and I will not venture there again my friends.

As I head into a third day I ask again for a renewed sense of focus on all things that matter and an ability to just “let it go” for all the things that simply do not. Learn to be able to tell the difference and I think that much of the turmoil, stress, angst, and bitterness in life will simply fall away. A lot of that is created by us anyhow so it is easily within our power to simply make it vanish.

I do think that it may just be possible; I do think that it can be just that simple. I will continue onward and send word from the frontier as I have it to share.

Though it is dark and rainy out there this morning this is an opportunity again, a day to shine for me.

Onward and upward my friends, onward and upward.

Quite a decent day yesterday- for me and the family I think. The boys had a good day and no major issues or arguments or blowups by anyone

I think my wife had a good day though we didn’t get the chance to talk much as I was out late with the boys and she was getting her garden set up until we had a late dinner. We wanted to get to bed at a decent hour so did not have much time to talk.

My one son is going through something that is affecting him emotionally but he has requested to deal with it himself and we have decided to let him do that as long as there is no apparent problem. All part of growing up we feel. He seemed happier yesterday and even more so this morning. I think I know the best way that I can help him to stay happy and I am trying my best to do that.

My other one son was tired and skipped our baseball practice. He had a fun game the other day and I am hoping the same happens tonight and the next two nights. He thinks that he is no good at baseball when he fails at a part of it but then is not motivated or energetic or driven enough to put in the necessary hard practice needed to get over the hump that all ballplayers face sooner or later. I am no longer pushing hard and hope that he just has fun the rest of the season. It may be that this is not a sport for him even though he has a bunch of untapped talent. As a parent I need to continue to press (though less often and more sensitively than I have in the past) but also back off more often than I have. I think I can do it but I really don’t want to see him give it up without having done his very best.

All of this of course affects my wife and I, just like it would in any family and we find ourselves feeding off of each other’s frustration and anger to the point that things sometimes escalate too far. If I can stop myself and just remain calm then it should help the boys, me, and my wife. And maybe they will start to be able to do the same though with teenagers that will be a tall order.

I rested more easily yesterday and even managed a brief and restful afternoon nap. I imagined a blanket descending on me that enveloped me in calm, and peace, and love, and the presence of God…hard to describe but it managed to take away the stress and worries enough to allow me to rest. I tried it again last night and managed a better night’s sleep. I still feel a bit bone-weary but on the mend.

Life is too filled with wonder and good things all around so why do we too often focus on the negative? I am trying to change that as I enter here now into the second day of my Resolve.

Well, things got better and then they didn’t.

Have you ever wondered how much of what happens in life is because of you? Have you ever considered how things might change if only you had the courage to change first?

Do you have that courage?

And, more importantly to me, do I?

As a leader of my family I know that I continue to fall down. I do manage to get up again and again but I hurt from all of the fallings and failings. I need strength, I need courage. I need to do things differently. I need a new mindset.

Today is Monday and we have started this new month of June. It is a new week and a new month and I would like to greet it with a new me. A me dedicated first to family and then to self. I have always had that dedication I think in the correct order but there has been something missing. Perhaps it is patience; perhaps it is the right understanding. Maybe it is the inability to listen properly; maybe it is the inability to express, by word or example, the proper message, consistently.

I know several things that will help me right off but I will not share right here, right now. I just continue to pray that I can have the strength to get to where I want to go. Get happier on the way there and be very happy when I get there. I will benefit of course but, most importantly, so will my family.

There is not much more I want to say here and now. I just need to get going today, this new week, this new month and this new me. A better me, a happier me, a me that I can live the rest of my life around and not be ashamed or filled with too much regret.

I’ll let you know how it’s going. Daily I hope…

Actually, can’t really seem to sleep much at all and sooner or later it will be then end of me.

So much on my mind and so much to worry about- some real, some real and made too much of, some just not worth it but still on my mind.

Health, work (or lack of), finances, family, the future, the country, and all things associated with those things. I fall asleep pretty quickly but then wake around 3:00 or so and cannot get back to sleep to save my soul. Ever happen to you? What did you do?

How do I come out from under all of this? How do I get my life back and how can I keep all of this crap from affecting my family? After all, isn’t that a main part of my job as a dad?

I am failing, I know that. With each waking day and each sleepless night I worry and fret and plan and then lose more ground regardless the path taken. I sure could use a good bit of guidance and some of the divine type would be most welcome. Not asking for major favors here just some indication or guidance as to what I should do on several key fronts. I am lost to a large degree.

Or am I?

Maybe I already have the answers, the solutions, locked away somewhere inside of me. Maybe I just need to relax and do the right thing whatever that may be. Maybe I will know that right thing when the situation arises. Maybe things will just work themselves out if they are allowed the space and time to do so. Who knows for sure? Not me and that’s for sure.

I am now old and getting older. Oh sure I still manage to do things and take care of things as if I were still in my early forties if I do say so myself but it will most likely not be getting easier with time. I fear there is only one path to follow, eventually at least, as far as that is concerned.

Sorry to depress you so early in the morning. No one reads any of this anyhow. I know you don’t read any of this do you? Why not? I really need someone to hear me, to lend an ear to my concerns and maybe a suggestion or two. It could be you you know.

I hope that today brings some welcome happiness to us. I hope that today might mark the beginning of when things get better for us. I hope that today will end on a good and positive note and that life and love will fill our very hearts and souls and that we will know what it is to be. Just to be. Nothing much more complicated than that.

Could it be that easy?

If it is then perhaps I might again be able to rest easy and that would be a very welcome change.