In so many ways I suppose that it is hard for me to imagine a time in my life like this. Every time I think I have turned the corner I find that I have not. I find that there is one more “challenge” that lies in wait for me and my family. Life is indeed all about facing and overcoming challenges but, at my age, it would sure be nice to encounter more frequently a series of successes…or once in a while even just some good old fashioned simple luck.

Seems too damned much to ask though. Good idea not to ask I guess.

Turned left- shoulda turned right. Zigged- shoulda zagged. Raised when I shoulda called. Talked when I shoulda listened. Yelled- shoulda whispered. Lashed out when I coulda cared more. Swung- and missed- at ball four. Wished when I shoulda prayed. Lent a hand to hold a guy down when I coulda used it to help him up and out. Broke when I shoulda just bent. Said too much and then too little. Was too late to be just a bit early for a change. Ran when I should walked; walked when I should crawled; crawled when I shoulda just sat still and pretended I was not even there. Mis-judged that easy pop-up; missed that 3 feet putt; hit the easy forehand out by just an inch; shanked that extra point; missed the open man on the give-and-go; missed him again on the out-and-up; broke my stick with an open net just in front of me; hooked the ball just to the right of the goal; missed both free throws and then let my man beat me for the winning lay-up; pretended that none of it really mattered that much to me. Laughed when I really shoulda cried.

It was a hard night last night and a hard and early morning. Rarely have I felt this low. The more I try to separate myself from the things that serve to bring me down the more all of those things, and even more of those things, tend to find me and bring me downer still. It is amazing.

After I started this so very early this morning I had to stop to take my kids and a friend to a baseball camp. I was tired but it was such a nice morning and I was actually ahead of schedule for a change.

I got a speeding ticket along the way. Turned out also that my insurance card was three months out of date. I should be able to get out of the second ticket but the first will remain. The kids were late for the camp.

Just when you think things can’t get worse they often do. Just when I thought I was as low as I could go I find that it was actually quite easy to go lower. Amazingly easy.

I no longer ask how things could possibly get worse or how I could feel any lower. Far too often I receive the answer I don’t want in a way I had not really seen as being possible.

But all things are possible so, again, I no longer dare to ask.