Change is so very hard.

Seems that we all fall back on to our old ways and I am somewhat guilty of this as the third day passed.

No matter what it is that I do to try to motivate one of my sons he continues to not respond in a positive and committed fashion. This time I did not yell or get too angry- my wife did. His challenge was clear and accepted and he has not met it. He fails to live up to what he agreed to do and my wife is the one then overreacts (I did stay calm and I tried to diffuse things, I really did) and in the end it is me who is labeled as the bad guy in all of this. That alone is frustrating but I will accept it as part of my own responsibility.

Look, I have tried everything I can think of to help him- with his schooling, with his sports, with just everyday tasks but he continues to press back with some excuse or another as to why he can’t do something or why barely good enough is good enough. He is filled with a lot of capabilities and I fear many will simply fall by the wayside. His music is all that seems to motivate him to push toward excellence and maybe that is what will define him in the long run. That completely fine of course but, still, so much seems missed opportunity. Why not try your best to be your best at everything you do? Maybe it’s just all in the internal wiring.

I point out to my wife that it is not just me who has this struggle with him- there are others who encountered some of the same resistance and wound up just kind of giving up on him. He hits the bench or doesn’t get to play as much or play the positions that he would like to in sports or he stumbles in a particular class or on a test or project. It has continued to be me who does not give up on him; it has been me who continues to seek new ways to get him to get up on himself.  Yet I just can’t seem to reach him or to reach the part of him that would set off this internal drive.

And maybe in trying to do this I have done the wrong thing. I think that he just simply has to find his own way and decide what is worth working hard to obtain, to achieve. He is old enough now to understand that to gain something worth gaining you have to take on a lot of personal responsibility. No excuses. No one will accept them anyway. He is old enough but he either still doesn’t get this or just chooses to remain a child in this regard.

So the third day of my resolve included another large dose of challenge from inside the family and I maybe got an average grade in my response. But I did not lose control and I still have things pretty clearly in perspective.

At some point you can only lead the horse to water…

Beautiful morning after another just-okay night of sleep.

Day four of this personal journey. Please wish me luck.