Do you hear what I hear?

Do you see what I see?

Do you know what I know?

If Jesus was real, and I believe that He was, I guess I wonder why He came to earth when He did.  And, also, why He had not come before then or why He has not come since then. 

Surely if there was a time when He was needed it would have been sometime in the last 100 or so years.  Right?  Like, we could really use Him don’t you think?

Has He come again only to be ignored?

If He was killed by the Romans as history indicates, is it possible that He has indeed been back and was killed, like back then, before He had a chance to make His presence known? 

Is it possible that He is here now among us today or has been here over the last millennia, simply biding His time until the time is truly right?  And if He is God why would He have to show up ahead of time?   In fact, why would He have to come here at all?  Couldn’t He just fix things remotely?

It is a wonderful story and it has inspired not a simple few but millions, probably billions, to believe over the last two millennia.  Who am I to question any of it?  And why would I do so?

Don’t get me wrong, I do so want to believe- and I do believe, in something- but the story is so simple as to not be believed.  I just have too many questions and, therefore, too many doubts.

I guess that I have always felt this way but did not really express it. 

I know that true faith is the ability to overcome your doubts and reservations about things, about people.  I know that it exists even when we say we trust those who have proven themselves not to be trustworthy.  It is faith and faith alone that prevails in such cases.

Where is my faith?  Have I lost it?  Why?

I envy those who believe without reservation.  At least they say they do and who am I to doubt them?

I want to believe because if I don’t then what is it that I really have left when all else is gone, my life included?  I don’t want to be damned for doubting but I have to be honest.

I do so want to believe that this is not all there is but, if there is more, then when does it ever end?  Never?

When I was a young child in a Catholic grade school the nuns taught us about the Holy Trinity.  But why are there three Gods needed and which one has the final vote?  Those types of questions always messed me up.

They also taught us that God is like a circle- He has no beginning and has no end.  I would try to fall asleep with my mind running around that circle, endlessly, never finding the start or finish.  And man did that ever mess me up.

Guess I am just forever messed up.

So please believe and pray for me that one day I too, again, may do the same. 

I love You Jesus.  And Merry Christmas.