President: I have foreseen this and I have driven this all throughout my first three terms but especially in my last one. This will lead us to the final stage of the present jobs creation initiative and allow us to focus on what comes next. This is indeed historic.
Reporter A: Mr. President, can you cite any statistics in support of this decision?
President: You can look those up, everyone can look those up at shoveljob.gov. It’s all there for you to see. I have seen them.
Reporter A: But-
President: Next question? Yes, you. My good friend from MyPoster.
Reporter B: Is it true Mr. President that you are now looking at driving the unemployment rate down to and past the zero mark?
President: Yes, it is indeed. You will note, that by using the aforementioned statistics available at shovejob, er, shoveljob.com, the opportunities I have created for a sort of super employment environment have risen astronomically under my administration. These have driven down unemployment at a previously unimagined rate. Despite the problems created by the previous administration, and, indeed, all the administrations put into place under prior presidents of that other party, I have indeed now provided for an historical number of employment opportunities that will allow everyone a fair chance at income equality. If you like your job, you can keep it. And now, finally, you can even have another.
Reporter A: Sir, but that is, I mean the accounting used-
President: If you have a question please wait to be recognized. I must insist.
Reporter B: And those still unable to take advantage Mr. President will-
President: Yes, yes. They will be able to draw up to double the equalization benefits presently available. Either way, the working class and the underclass benefit tremendously and finally have a path that I will be providing for entry into the middle class.
Reporter A: But sir, counting a second or even third job as 2 or 3 for 1 skews the statistics, surely you know-
President: Again, if you cannot wait to be recognized you may not ask a question. I ask this in all fairness but I must demand it as a matter of protocol. We don’t want any anarchy in here. (Smiles, smirks, chortles slightly).
Reporter B: Mr. President-
Reporter A: Sir, a request to be allowed a follow up question?
Reporter B: Please don’t interrupt me. Mr. President, the funds to support-
President: This next initiative? They will be made available, I will see to that of course.
Reporter A: But sir-
Reporter B: Excellent Mr. President. We are then to assume that this will be supported from the usual sources?
President: Of course of course. That is my decision that I have made. (Big smile. Winks.)
Reporter A: Taxes? MORE taxes? How is that even possible with current rates? How can you allow- (Cut off by SS man.)
President: I am indeed sorry but you will have to be removed from the room. I would ask my security friends to go gentle with him for now.
Reporter A (escaping for a brief moment): Sir, you cannot claim those employment numbers when your people are double and triple counting! A person is either employed or not employed sir! They cannot be employed two or three times! The statistics, sir, the statistics…the overwhelming taxes- (Tackled and shackled quickly now).
President: I do apologize folks. This will be taken care of I will ensure it. All of you need to follow normal process here and with a high level of decorum. (Attempt to disguise anger with a feigned look of concern).
Reporter B: We understand completely sir and I for one would like to apologize for the behavior of my former colleague.
Reporter A (from the very back of the room now): You lie! You lie! You all lie and you all let it go on! It’s all lies and the people should know, they should know, they need to know- THIS IS INSANE, IT IS WRONG, IT IS EVIL!!- (Hit off camera with a blackjack and made suddenly and completely quiet.)
President: All right then, all is okay folks. I’m okay. We need to move on. We just need to move on, and now we can thanks to this latest plan that I will be putting in place starting tomorrow.
Reporter B: Mr. President, is it true then that even more shovel ready jobs will be made available in this next phase as well?
President: Of course of course. I have seen to that. And I will say it once again- if you like your job you can keep it…and now even more! Thank you and God Bless the United States of America!